you keep Matthew occupied for a few minutes?”
J.J. glided over to us and got the little boy chasing her. I must have looked surprised, because Monica said, “I was married to a century-old vampire. I know what it’s like to want a baby and believe you’ll never have one. You know how rare it is for one of the older vampires to father a child.”
I did know. I could only nod.
Micah moved out of the way as Monica took his place kneeling in front of Vivian. “Let me take you to the ladies’ room so we can fix your makeup before Stephen gets back.”
Vivian blinked at her and then nodded wordlessly. “I don’t want Stephen to know I told anyone.”
“I won’t tell him,” she said, and she held out her hand. Vivian looked at Micah, who nodded, then at me, and I nodded, too. She went with Monica, and we trusted Monica not to fuck this up. It was a little like sending your daughter off with the mean girl from school and trusting her not to be mean, but strangely, I did.
Micah sat down beside me, and his hand found mine. We sat there and watched J.J. dart around the lobby while Matthew chased her. He was squealing and happy about it, but something about the game reminded me of Jason and his ballerina’s last number. Was I looking for similarities, or was the little boy really imitating Uncle Jason?
As he often did, Micah spoke as if he’d read my mind. “When I was Matthew’s age I begged for a little holster and gun set with plastic badge.”
“Because your dad was a sheriff ?”
He nodded. “He wasn’t sheriff when I was three, but he was in law enforcement and I wanted to be just like him.”
“It’s not just me, then; Matthew is trying to imitate some of the dancing he saw tonight.”
Micah watched the toddler chase the lithe, graceful dancer. “He’s started trying to figure out what it means to be a boy. He’s imitating the men he sees.”
I told him what Matthew had said about how all the big boys kissed me. Micah hugged me, and I realized it was the same way I’d hugged Vivian. It made me sit up straighter and even pull away a little.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I’m just wondering what Matthew’s learning and how it will affect him later.”
“But why did you pull away?”
I took in a deep breath and said, “Because I won’t let myself huddle like Vivian.”
He smiled and drew me in so he could kiss me on the forehead. “You will never huddle like Vivian, Anita.”
I hugged him, pulled him close, and wasn’t so sure. I wanted to ask him, did he want children. He’d had a vasectomy years ago so that a very evil shapeshifter couldn’t use him to get the women of their animal group pregnant. The bad guy had liked them pregnant and liked the pain and sorrow of the miscarriages. He had been one of the most twisted people I’d ever met, and I never regretted killing him.
I couldn’t have Micah’s biological child, but we’d been sharing a bed and a home with Nathaniel for two years. Did they want children? If I’d really been as brave as everyone thought I was, I would have asked, but I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to know. I was afraid I already knew the answer.
5
AN HOUR LATER five of us were walking through the big dungeon door at the bottom of the long stairs leading from the upper parts of Circus of the Damned, where there was a permanent carnival midway and circus ring, plus a freak show that held mostly mythological creatures, to the quiet underground that was the lair of the Master of the City of St. Louis. The first time I’d come through that big, scary door, Jean-Claude had only been one of the master’s minions. I’d killed her to save my life and others, but I’d opened the way for Jean-Claude to be the new master. Talk about your unintended consequences.
We closed and locked the door behind us and were in an open space bordered by huge gauzy curtains that ran from the floor to vanish into the darkness of the ceiling. When I called this the underground I wasn’t joking. It had been carved out of existing caverns under the city, and to add a homey touch the curtains were the walls of the living room.
Jason and J.J. were hand in hand ahead