Brutus - Mimi Jean Pamfiloff Page 0,3
been thrown to the bottom of the ocean inside a barrel. Minky had said she knew how to get to Cimil; she’d said she could help him.
And now she claims otherwise? “That’s cheating. You know the agreement was to help bring Tula back. But you know what? That’s fine. Because…because…” He tried to imagine some sort of threat that would make Minky see how ridiculous this whole thing was. “Even if you try to set me free, I will refuse to leave you. Uh-huh.” He bobbed his head. “That’s right, Minky. A deal’s a deal! You wanted me and now you have me. Forever! Let’s see how you like being mated to a god who will never want you!”
Grumble, grumble.
He shrugged. “Nope. Sorry. No take-backs, Minky. You’re stuck with a man who hates your sparkly guts!”
Grumble, grumble.
“Well, you should have thought about that before. Tula still roams the earth as a spirit, and you still have her body. Yet here I am. Tied up in your rainbow-colored turd cave. I’d say that makes you a very evil unicorn—one I will never love or have sex with, so I hope you’re into squishy, flaccid bananas.”
Minky’s red eyes turned into swirly blue orbs of sadness and then faded, leaving him alone in the cave.
“Hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going, huh? Get back here!” Zac yelled. “Look at my limp, but very large, manhood. It’s like a flag on a windless afternoon! A deflated party balloon! A floppy garden hose! All for you, Minky! In your honor.” Zac waited for a response to his taunts, but the unicorn was gone.
Dammit, Minky. He needed to push her buttons so that she might stab him with her unihorn. He could not die, not in the human sense, but if his human form was destroyed, his spirit would be sent back to his realm. From there, he could attempt to contact one of his thirteen brethren—who likely had no clue he’d been taken—or he could take another trip through the portal and gain a new humanlike body. Either way, he’d be free of Minky and able to seek help. Someone had to know how to make this beast give up Tula’s sweet, petite little body.
“Minky! You evil fuck! Get back here!”
CHAPTER THREE
Sedona, Arizona.
“Has anyone heard from Brutus?” Votan, God of Death and War, sat at the head of the long rectangular table in the great meeting hall of the gods’ newly renovated headquarters that also served as a military base for their human army. Yes, human. It was a well-known fact that fourteen gods could hardly keep an eye on billions of people; therefore, they recruited people to join the Uchben (their official name) to serve as their eyes and ears—teachers, lawyers, doctors, soldiers. To be an Uchben was a great honor and came with wonderful medical benefits. Also, a 401k. And those who proved themselves invaluable were given something even more valuable: the light of the gods. Immortality.
Brutus was one such man, soon to be promoted and in command of the god’s Uchben army. His current boss, Gabrán—a very cantankerous, very ancient Scot—was set to retire. Everyone knew that Brutus secretly looked up to the man and thought of him like a father. He’d taught Brutus everything he knew about leading battles, sword fighting, and killing Maaskab, those evil Mayan priests. But Gabrán had finally had enough of apocalypses and planned to rebuild his family’s castle and raise pumpkins.
Maybe my family and I should join him. Votan, too, had grown weary of fighting wars. Honestly, he would rather spend his days with his wife and children. Teaching them about war. Telling stories about war. Watching movies about war. Basically, anything having to do with war except for fighting in them.
Votan looked around the room at the faces of his brethren. Each sat around the stone table carved with intricate symbols depicting the individual gods and their multitude of individual powers: war, happiness, time travel, sunshine, love, fertility, drumming, math, garage sale hunting, decoupage—you name it, one of the gods had a power for it.
However, only ten of the fourteen deities were present at the moment. Zac, God of Temptation, was missing, and three others were locked up—the Goddess of Fertility, the God of Eclipses, and K’ak. No one really knew what K’ak did, so no title for him. And no freedom. As of today, all unmated immortals were to be confined due to a plague that only affected them. Luckily for everyone,