think I’m a whore. I worry he thinks that too. I worry he’ll think I’m a bad mom.”
Shelby pats my leg. “I feel as if you have more crazy left. Just dig a little deeper.”
“I’m worried I’ll get to know him, and he won’t be as great as I’ve built up in my head.”
“Is that it?”
“For now.”
“Look, Lana,” Shelby says, embracing my preferred name, “I can tell you how you’re not fat, but that won’t fix the way you see yourself. You’ve spent most of your life thinking your physical appearance is where your value comes from. You won’t change your mind if I exalt your inner beauty or point out how your body is smoking hot even with a little baby weight.”
I run my hand over my flabby tummy. “I got more stretch marks with Carina than I did with Desi.”
“Young people always have fewer problems. Aging sucks, but you’re gorgeous. Let’s move on to the other stuff.”
“Okay.”
“You are not a bad mom. Maybe you’re not the parent you think you should be, but you’re working on that. I see how much you love your girls, and I know you way better than some biker from Ohio.”
Shelby’s words help a little, but I’m still on edge.
“As for his family not liking you, well, people don’t always like other people. But that’s not on you. Look at how I don’t like Lily Johansson, and she doesn’t like me. Of course, I have a good reason not to like her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t also think she has a good reason not to like me. People come with hang-ups that are unrelated to you. So if his sister is a psycho who wants to cut off your pretty face, why take that personally? She’s probably just mental.”
Sighing, I’m emotionally exhausted. All my life, I’ve felt unloved. My mom wasn’t mean or neglectful, but I never felt her acceptance. My little sister seemed lost in her own world that didn’t involve me. I know a lot of those negative feelings were in my head. My mom and Max have always loved me. They’ve proven their loyalty in a million ways during the last few years, but my old hurt feelings linger. Now I’m walking into a new family, where I’ll feel left out and on my own.
Shelby must realize I’m still wallowing in my fears. She takes my hand and sighs. “Lana, if you go to Elko, everything could be awful. You could find out he has six girlfriends, and he’s a huge asshole, and his kids are brats, and his sisters are cunts, and they all fucking hate you. He might be rude to Desi and forget Carina’s name. His club could stink as if they’ve never bathed ever. The entire fucking town could suck so bad that you’ll never return.”
After pausing to let the worst-case scenario set in, Shelby finally adds, “And if that happens, you’ll be sad, and it’ll hurt to know your dreams about Bronco weren’t real. But you’ll also have your family and friends to love you for you. If you never want to see him again, you won’t have to. If you never want him to see Carina again, I’ll have him killed. It’s just that simple.”
I smile at her tough-girl expression, but then that dark feeling returns. “I see what Max has with River. I never knew people could love like that. I could discard their relationship as a fluke, you know? But Shane is insane over Ramona, and Goliath follows you around as if you’re the world to him. That’s not the kind of love I’ve ever known. I loved Kenny, but I also wanted to move out of the house and get away from my mom. I didn’t love him like you love Goliath. I never knew I should love someone that way. Now, though, I’m craving what I see other people have. But I also know I’m not the kind of person that sort of love happens to.”
“Why not you?”
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “I feel as if I’m not like other people.”
“Like you’re not as good?”
Lowering my gaze, I’d be too ashamed to admit these feelings to anyone else. “I guess.”
“But I think you’re awesome, and I’m incredibly petty with other women. Look at my irrational hatred for Lily Johansson. She’s probably lovely, but she rubs me wrong. With thirty-six people living in this house, ignoring you would be easy. Instead, I seek you out because you’re awesome.