“Then perhaps you should keep your dealings with Bronco to a minimum until your hormones are under control.”
“That’s a smart plan. Except I’ve already agreed to drive up to Elko this weekend so his family can meet Carina.”
“Big mistake,” Shelby says, already plotting. “No way should you be on his turf when you’re vulnerable. We’ll make him bring his family down here.”
“I feel as if they’ll be more hostile if they come here.”
“It’s true that his sister Barbie did threaten to cut off my pretty face if we ever met.”
A sinking feeling overwhelms me. I’m already nervous about meeting Bronco’s daughters, but I hadn’t thought about his sisters. Or the club he runs. What if I have to meet a whole lot of people? They’ll think the worst of me. I’ve spent most of my life ducking people’s disapproval. Now I’ll be on display.
“I’ll come with you,” Shelby says when I start crying again. “I’m not afraid of some Ohio biker bitch.”
I smile at her confidence. If I could be any woman, I’d pick Shelby. She’s fearless in so many ways and always enjoys life. Whereas I pull tight into myself and forget to reach out to other people, Shelby is always hugging and drawing them closer. I want to laugh easily and speak up even if I don’t know the answers. But I’m afraid to look stupid. The only time I feel truly confident is when I’m stripping. My appearance gives me value. Pretty and out of reach is me at my best.
But I also want to be a good mother. Closing myself off will keep my girls from feeling all the love I have for them.
“I think I should go alone.”
“What if they hassle you?”
“I’ll cry and make them feel bad. I can’t imagine Bronco will want me to be unhappy about visiting. Then he’ll have to drive to Shasta every time he wants to see the baby.”
Shelby gives me a devious smirk. “That’s fucking smart.”
“Do you remember how you kept hoping for Goliath to want you like you wanted him?” I ask, and her smile fades when she thinks of her man’s coldness when they first got together. “And how it seemed as if you guys would never get on the same page? But you kept trying, and he finally realized you belonged with him.”
“I refused to give up despite how much everyone made fun of me.”
“I never made fun of you.”
“That’s because you’re a square, Lana Maude.”
Squinting at her, I shake my head. “You were eavesdropping.”
“Just the part where you walked him outside to say goodbye. What’s with the name?”
“Lana Lee is my stripper name.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you had a sexy dancer name?”
Frowning, I ask, “Did you really think I went by Maude?”
Shelby’s “duh” expression gives me the worst giggles. Finally, she shrugs. “I hadn’t really given it any thought.”
“Lana makes me feel sexy. Maude makes me feel like a hog. That’s what the girls called me in junior high. Maude the Hog.”
“That doesn’t rhyme.”
“They weren’t smart girls, and Shasta’s shitty schools weren’t going to make them smarter.”
“Do they still live in Shasta?”
I know Shelby’s about to offer to kick their asses. She loves scaring people, and I’m sure she’s tough. When I look at her, though, I only see how fun and soft she can be.
However, I bet if Bronco’s sisters are mean to me that Shelby would be more than willing to ride to Elko with ass-whooping on her mind. Of course, she just had a baby and shouldn’t be roughhousing at all. Even more reason for her not to join me this weekend.
“I feel as if you’re storing up a bunch of crazy,” Shelby says while taking Kirby from the carrier so she can snuggle the baby skin to skin. “Tell me all the irrational things brewing in your heart. Don’t be afraid to share them out loud. You know I’m offended by filters.”
“I’m worried Bronco won’t like me while I’m fat.”
“What else?”
“I worry he has a handful of women, but I won’t know about them. Then I’ll convince myself that he cares about me in a romantic way. Then I’ll find out I’m one of many, and my heart will break. Then I’ll have to see him all the time.”
“Continue.”
“I worry his daughters will hate me. I worry Desi will hate them. I worry he’ll act really into Carina for a short time and then lose interest.”