give—give my loved ones a piece of advice, my love, and my approval.
Now I was living the picture as I’d imagined it in my mind, every day since I was a little girl and found out I wouldn’t live to ripe old age, that I would probably never see myself with completely gray hair, deep-set wrinkles, and surrounded by beautiful grandchildren. The gown was beautiful, comfortable, and angelic. I lay on top of my bed, dizzy, but smiling nonetheless, as I hugged my sister Emilia.
She stood up from my bed, wiping her eyes. “Who do you want to see first?”
“Levy.”
When my young son entered my room, the first thing I noticed was how not completely young he was anymore. Of course, I’d seen him every day, save for the week I’d been in a coma. But he seemed to have gotten tall almost overnight. He was lanky now, his jaw squarer, his eyes less wide and exploring, more suspicious and slanted. He was going to be a gorgeous man one day, and I absolutely refused to be upset over the fact that I wasn’t going to know what he would look like. Or over the nagging, eternal question of whether he was going to be with Bailey or not. I couldn’t allow my thoughts to roam this way. I had to keep them on what was important. I patted the space next to me with a smile.
“H-how are you feeling, Mom?” He glanced at me from under his lashes.
He had great lashes. Like mine. I smiled at the fact I was going to stay on this earth forever. Through him. Through Knight. Through my husband.
“Good. You?”
“Yeah. Good.”
“Liar.”
He looked down, shooting a small smile.
“Break for me, Levy. I want to hug away your pain.”
That’s what we did for the next half hour. I just held him while he sobbed. I asked him to understand that even after I was gone, I still loved him, fiercely. Begged him not to feel the betrayal that can accompany the loss of a parent, to know that no part of me wanted to leave him and his brother and father behind. That I’d lived, breathed, and thrived because they were with me. That I’d fought for every day, until I couldn’t anymore, because they were worth the struggle.
When Lev ran out of tears, and I ran out of strength, I let him nap on my chest peacefully, ignoring the dull pain and how badly it hurt when I was hooked up to so many machines, my lungs collapsing by the nanosecond.
When he stirred some time later, looked up and saw that I’d been watching him the whole time, he smiled. It was as though he needed this reassurance that I truly loved him. That I genuinely cared.
“Who do you want to see next?”
“Your brother, please.” I smiled.
Lev nodded.
When Knight entered the room and closed the door behind him, I motioned to him with my finger.
“Your breath. Let me smell it.”
“Mom.” He rolled his eyes.
He was so tall. So gorgeous. Such a heartbreaker. Yet his heart was so loyal. The rest of him, too. I was in awe of how good he was. How pure. The only thing I worried about was how he dealt with pain. I didn’t want him to run to alcohol and drugs. I saw what it had done to Dean when we were younger. Knight’s soul was much too precious, his heart too tender to deal with heartbreak. Just like his dad.
“Come on. You know as well as I do you will never deprive your dying mother of anything.”
With a harsh exhale, he walked over to me, put his mouth to my nose. He smelled of mint gum, and underneath it, iced coffee. I immediately knew he was sober.
“Thank you.” I grinned.
Instead of pulling away, he put his lips to the tip of my nose, awarding me a kiss.
“How are you, Mom?”
“Better than I look.”
“You look perfect.”
“You’re just being nice.”
He pulled back, giving me a really? look. “Being nice is not even in my dictionary.”
“Probably because you used the page to roll yourself a joint. How’s your girlfriend?” I tried to elbow him good-naturedly in the ribs as he sat down beside me.
By the dark cloud passing over his expression, I could see something was going on.
“She dumped me.”
“She did?” I asked cheerfully, not missing a beat.
Luna, Luna. Thank you, Luna.
He nodded, giving me a quizzical look before shaking his head. “It’s stupid. This is not what we should be talking