Brazen Girl by Ali Dean Page 0,31
can admit it now, I don’t know what that changes.”
Shit, I had no intention of going there. Not now, not at all during this visit. Maybe never. When I fell asleep last night I’d come to the decision we’d just let it ride as this undefinable thing for as long as possible. But that’s the thing with Beck. We’ve always been real with each other. Maybe not always real with ourselves, but we can’t hide from one another, even when we’ve tried. It should be no surprise just sitting here talking casually ends up being a heart to heart.
“Hey, it’s okay, Jordan.” Beck puts his free arm around me and pulls me to his side. “We don’t have to decide anything right now, all right? I’m just so damn happy to be here with you, knowing the most important stuff between us hasn’t changed. And knowing you’re letting me be here for you. What you’ve been through, what you’re going through, it’s not easy. I’m glad you need me, because I’m here for it, however much you want, all right?”
It’s getting too heavy, so I move my lips to his ear. “Just so it’s clear, it’s not only my skateboarding and mental health I need your help with.”
“It’s not?” Beck plays dumb.
“There’s another thing that in my experience only you can help with me.”
Beck’s body tenses a little beneath me. “In your experience?”
I twist my body, not hearing the playfulness from a second ago. “What?”
“Did you… have you… been with anyone else since we broke up?”
I hate that he even has to say “we broke up.” In my mind, I’ve been pretending like it never really happened. I’m not sure we’ve necessarily gotten back together, but I don’t want to remember that there was an “ending” to us in the first place. I blame the concussion; I wasn’t in my right mind.
He’s waiting for my response but I’m so surprised he has to ask it that it takes me a moment to respond. “No, Beck. Just you.”
“So, nothing with anyone else?”
I frown, confused why he’s hung up on this. Does he think I’m lying? “Nothing. No kissing. Touching. I don’t even think I flirted with anyone.”
Then I’m the one freezing. “I don’t really have a right to ask, so I guess maybe I shouldn’t?” We didn’t use a condom last night, but that could mean a lot of things. Maybe he slept with someone, or lots of someones, but used protection? The thought makes the ice cream I just ate churn uncomfortably in my stomach.
Beck brushes hair from my face. “The first couple weeks over break I was too bummed out to do anything much besides be with my family and skate a little. By the time filming started we were talking again, and I kind of hung on to hope that we’d get back to where we are right now. That’s basically what kept me sane throughout the filming.”
Now I’m the one pushing, needing reassurance. “So, no one else, nothing like that?”
He cringes and my body pulls away slightly. “A couple of girls got a little pushy, sloppy. But no, I never went through with any of it.”
I stare at him. He’s going to have to spell it out for me. I’m not so good at reading between the lines when it comes to this kind of thing.
“I’m not supposed to talk about filming or the show,” he starts and I find myself pulling farther away. “But I’m not keeping anything from you. I didn’t hook up with anyone during filming, Jordan, but I can’t guarantee the producers won’t try to make it look like I did.”
“Oh.” My head spins with what he’s saying.
“It was about skateboarding and the competitions, sure, and it was about all of us hanging out living in a house together while competing against each other. But it was also about who was hooking up with who, and there was a lot of that.”
Ice cream drips down my cone onto my fingers and I lick it before it can melt too much, even though my stomach isn’t feeling so great.
“You knew it would be like that, we both did,” Beck says quietly. “But I wasn’t into any of it. It was annoying as hell, to be honest. I was so ready to be done with it after just a few days. I’m sure the show will try to make it seem like I was with someone at least once in order to keep things interesting