The Boy Who Has No Belief - Victoria Quinn Page 0,103
afraid I would lose the love of my life and watch him slip back into his old ways, refusing to feel after I’d worked so hard to get him to experience emotion once more.
“He’ll get through it,” Deacon said. “He’s a strong man…and he’s not going anywhere.”
27
Derek
I didn’t leave my penthouse for almost two weeks.
I dropped everything because I lost all my drive.
I lost all my belief in myself.
The report from the investigation came back, but the exact cause of the explosion was undetermined, and that made the situation worse. Not knowing was far worse than knowing it was all my fault.
I hadn’t shaved. I showered occasionally. I survived on my groceries and takeout. I ordered so many deliveries that the guys started to recognize my voice whenever I called to make an order.
Fucking pathetic.
But I didn’t want to see anybody. I didn’t want to hear that everything was fine when it wasn’t fine.
I got a text from Ryan. Hey, I know this is stupid, but you’re going to be there on Saturday, right? You should have gotten the invitation two weeks ago, and you haven’t RSVP’d.
I sighed and dragged my hands down my face. “Jesus fucking Christ…” I haven’t checked my mail. Yes, I’ll be there.
Cool. So, how did the rocket go?
It exploded.
Oh shit. You doing okay?
I stopped texting him back because the conversation was too much work. I sat there with my elbows on the table and stared at the other wall, my dining table empty of papers and calculations because I hadn’t done a single thing since that catastrophic day.
My phone lit up with another message, this time from Emerson. I’ve given you enough space. I want to see you.
I didn’t want to see her. I was fucking ashamed.
I’m standing outside your door.
I sighed loudly, knowing this moment was inevitable. I was surprised she’d left me alone as long as she had. I left the dining table and opened the front door.
She stood there, her eyes emotional despite her attempts to hide it.
I stared at her, hating myself for a lot of reasons. I hated myself for fucking up that rocket. And then I hated myself for the way I treated her afterward.
She moved into me and wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, giving me a tight hug like I might slip away.
I stood there with my arms by my sides, like I didn’t deserve to hug her back. I was a bit numb, unable to feel anything at all. I completely shut down, and all those good feelings inside my chest seemed like a distant memory.
But I shut the door behind her and hugged her back. My arms locked around her, and I rested my chin on her head, holding her in silence, feeling her frantic heartbeat against my bare skin.
She didn’t say anything.
That was nice because I preferred the quiet. I preferred not talking because talking always made me feel worse. It was nice not to think about anything at all.
She eventually pulled away and looked into my gaze. “My mom is going to watch Lizzie tonight. I was hoping…I could stay over.”
I’d never had her sleep in my penthouse before. She always had to leave when we were finished. But I wasn’t excited about the prospect. “I’m really not in the mood, to be honest.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to be. I just want to be with you.”
I wanted to push her away and ask her to leave, but I didn’t. She’d given me enough space, and I really couldn’t ask for more. “Alright. But I really don’t feel like talking about anything.”
“That’s okay.”
I turned off the lights, and we went to bed. The place was a mess because I didn’t let the housekeeper in to clean. The bed wasn’t made, the sheets were two weeks old, and I knew I didn’t look that great because I’d only shaved a couple times.
But she didn’t seem to care.
I got into bed, and she immediately came to my side, wrapping her arms around me, holding me close, her face in the crook of my neck. We sat there in the dark, just breathing. My eyes were open and focused out the window.
Her arm tightened on my torso. “I love you.”
I turned my chin her way and automatically pressed a kiss to her forehead without thinking twice about it. “I love you too.”
Immediately, she went to sleep, like all she needed was to hear me say those words.