fragment of the conversation he'd had with Tracy in Khartoum the night before she died:
"In your mind you can be anyone, do anything. Everything is malleable, whereas in the real world, effecting change - any change - is so bloody difficult, the effort is wearying."
"You could adopt an entirely new identity," he had replied, "one where effecting change is less difficult because now you re-create your own history."
She had nodded. "Yes, but that has its own pitfalls. No family, no friends - unless, of course, you don't mind being absolutely isolated."
"The night before she died," he said now, "she told me something that led me to believe that in another time, another place she would have enjoyed having her own family."
For a moment it seemed as if all the air had gone out of her. "Well, that's bloody irony for you." Then, recovering somewhat, she went on, "You know, the funny thing is - well, it's bloody tragic, when I think about it now - I sometimes envied her. She wasn't tied down, had never married, she could go where she pleased, when she pleased, and she did. She was like a skyrocket, in that way, because of how she loved to walk on the wild side. It was as if danger was - I don't know - an aphrodisiac, or maybe it was more like the feeling people get when they ride a roller coaster, that sense of going so fast they're almost, but not quite, out of control." She gave a bitter little laugh. "The last time I rode a roller coaster I got sick to my stomach."
Part of him genuinely felt for her, but another part, the professional part, the Bourne identity, in other words, was seeking a way to worm his way farther in, a probe to see if there was anything else Chrissie could tell him about Tracy and her mysterious relationship with Leonid Arkadin. He saw her only as a means to an end, a stepping-stone, not a human being. He hated himself for feeling that way, and yet his dispassion was part of what made him successful. This was who he was, or at least what Treadstone had made of him. In any event, for good or for ill, he was damaged, trained, highly skilled. Just like Arkadin. And yet there was a gulf between them - an abyss so vast, Bourne could not see its bottom or even guess at its depth. He and Arkadin faced each other across this divide, invisible perhaps to anyone but themselves, searching for ways to destroy each other without destroying themselves in the process. There were times when he wondered whether that would be possible, whether to rid the world of one, both had to go.
"You know what I wish?" She turned to him. "Remember that film Superman, not a great film, admittedly, but anyway, Lois Lane dies and Superman is so grief-stricken that he launches himself into the air. He flies around the earth, faster and faster, faster than the speed of sound, faster than the speed of light, so fast that he reverses time to the moment just before Lois will be killed, and he saves her." Her eyes had settled on his face, but it was something else she was seeing. "I wish I were Superman."
"You'd turn back time and save Tracy."
"If I could. But unlike what the screenwriters allowed Superman to do in the film, if I couldn't, well, at least... at least I'd understand what the bloody hell to do with this grief." She tried to take a deep breath but succeeded only in choking on her tears. "I feel weighed down, as if I have an anchor tied to my back, or Tracy's body, cold and stiff and... never moving ever again."
"That feeling will pass," Bourne said.
"Yes, I suppose it will, but what if I don't want it to?"
"Do you want to follow her down into darkness? What about Scarlett, what will happen to her then?"
Chrissie got red in the face and jumped up. Bourne followed her as she stalked into the bedroom, where he found her staring out the French doors at the pear tree, flooded now in silvery moonlight. "Bloody hell, Trace, why are you gone? If she were here now I swear I'd wring her neck."
"Or at least make her promise to have nothing more to do with Arkadin."
Bourne hoped injecting Arkadin's name back into the conversation would lead her back to a memory she might have