the pill, right?”
Tamara rolled over onto her side away from him.
“No.”
18
As soon as she said it, Tamara knew she’d said the wrong thing. She should have lied, but she couldn’t do it, not after what he’d done to her. Not after he’d made her feel like that.
“No?” Levi repeated. “No? You let me fuck you and—”
“We’re married. We’re supposed to do this.”
“You’re seventeen years old¸ and I don’t want a baby with you.”
She felt the bed shift and she turned over in time to see Levi yanking his jeans on.
“What do you mean you don’t want a baby with me?”
“I don’t want kids. Kids trap you.”
“I’m not trying to trap you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you aren’t on the pill?”
“I didn’t think it mattered.”
“You didn’t think it mattered? Didn’t matter? This isn’t a real marriage, Tamara. You remember that? You remember why we’re doing this? I help you get the company from your mother. I get my horse farm. You remember that conversation?”
“Not a real marriage?” She pulled the blanket up to her neck as Levi struck a match and lit the lantern. She wished he hadn’t done that. Now she could see his face and she’d never seen him this angry. “We—”
“We fucked. That’s all. That’s it. I’ve fucked a lot of people. Didn’t make me married to them.”
“But you are married to me.”
“Not for long.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we’re done. Tomorrow we’re getting the fuck out of here. We’re going back to Kentucky. I’m filing for divorce. You can keep your money, you can keep your farm, you can keep it all because I want nothing to do with this or you anymore.”
“But, Levi—”
He waved his hand as if chopping off her words as he walked from the bedroom.
“We’re done,” he said. “I should have known better than to trust a goddamn Maddox. You’re as bad as your mother.”
He slammed the door behind him.
“I’m not a Maddox!” Tamara screamed, a primal sound that scared her even as it erupted from her own body.
She sat up in bed, panting harder than she had even when Levi had been inside her.
“I’m not a Maddox,” she said again, quieter this time, speaking to herself.
Tamara crawled out of bed, wincing as she did. She ached inside. Sex with Levi hadn’t hurt, not in the usual way she thought of things hurting. There wasn’t a pain inside her. Instead, she felt hollowed out like he’d scraped her insides and opened up parts of her that had long been walled off until now, letting in light and fresh air. She didn’t want to close those parts of her up again, not so soon after seeing the light.
When she stood, she felt a rush of fluid from inside her, coating her upper thighs. Tamara looked around the room, found nothing except the corner of the sheet to use to clean herself. That made it too real for her, wiping Levi’s semen out of her. It had been so easy in her mind to plan things like Marry Levi and get pregnant to punish Momma. But now it was a real thing, not a fantasy. Oh, God, she could be pregnant. She really could be pregnant. And Levi was leaving her.
She didn’t want to cry, but she did it anyway as she pulled on her nightgown. From the day she’d met Levi, she’d wanted him, and having him was even better than the wanting. Didn’t he know how hard it had been for her to let him do that to her? Didn’t he know what it had meant for her to... No, he didn’t know. He didn’t know because she hadn’t told him. And she couldn’t tell him now. He’d think she was lying to make him stay. And if he thought she was lying, it wouldn’t matter because she’d never want to see him again, anyway.
Tamara picked up the lantern and carried it with her from the bedroom. Carefully she walked down the steps, afraid of falling in the dark, afraid of spiders, afraid of snakes. She clutched the cross around her neck and stroked it for safety and for luck.
“Levi?”
He didn’t answer her. She called his name again. Still no answer. She carried the lantern through the living room, into the kitchen, into the bathroom. No Levi, no Levi, no Levi. She took it into the little office, but she couldn’t bring herself to step across the threshold into the room where Daddy had shot himself. Still she whispered Levi’s name. He