that she spent a good deal of time here, cooking and cleaning, but there seemed to be nothing personal about her in the room. I looked around.
The pictures on the wall above the microwave were standard, square, factory-painted representations of vegetables, a tomato and a carrot and an ear of corn, pleasant enough. On the single-shelf spice rack above the dishwasher were two red-and-white cans and two undistinguished glass bottles: cinnamon, onion powder, salt, and pepper. Nothing idiosyncratic or identifying. No dishes soaked in the sink; no meat was thawing on the counter for dinner.
I remember thinking that, if I looked through the cupboards and drawers and into the back shelves of the refrigerator, I’d surely find something about Kelly, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to make such a deliberate search. Now, of course, I know there wouldn’t have been anything anyway. No favorite snacks of hers secreted away. No dishes that meant anything special to her. No special recipes. In the freezer I’d probably have found Fudgsicles for Clay and Eskimo Pies for Josh, and no doubt there was a six-pack of Coors Lite on the top shelf of the refrigerator for Ron. But, no matter how deeply I looked or how broadly I interpreted, I wouldn’t have found anything personal about Kelly, except in what she’d made sure was there for the others.
I set the pitcher on the counter and moved so that I was standing in the middle of the floor with my hands at my sides and my eyes closed. I held my breath. It was like being trapped in a flotation tank. I could hear the boys squealing and shouting outside, the hum of a lawnmower farther away and the ticking of a clock nearby, but the sounds were outside of me, not touching. I could smell whiffs and layers of homey kitchen odors—coffee, cinnamon, onions—but I had never been fed in this room.
I opened my eyes and was dizzy. Without knowing it, I had turned, so that now I was facing a little alcove that opened off the main kitchen. A breakfast nook, maybe, or a pantry. I rounded the multicolored Plexiglas partition and caught my breath.
The place was a shrine. On all three walls, from the waist-high wainscoting nearly to the ceiling, were photographs of Ron and Clay and Joshua. Black-and-white photos on a plain white background, unlike the busy kitchen wallpaper in the rest of the room. Pictures of them singly and in various combinations: Ron in uniform, looking stoic and sensible; Clay doing a flip on the trampoline; Joshua in his Cub Scout uniform; the three of them in a formal pose, each boy with his hand on his father’s shoulder; the boys by a Christmas tree. I counted; there were forty-three photographs.
I couldn’t bring myself to go into the alcove. I think I was afraid I’d hear voices. And there was not a single likeness of Kelly anywhere on the open white walls.
Later, a grim and wonderful thought occurred to me: it would have been virtually impossible for a detective to find out anything useful about Kelly. Or for a voodoo practitioner to fashion an efficacious doll. There was little essence of her left. There were few details. By the end, it would have been easy to say that she had no soul.
For the rest of that summer and into the fall, I spent a great deal of time at Kelly’s house. It started with lunch on Saturdays, always a picnic lunch with the boys on the patio, sandwiches and lemonade and chips. She never let me bring anything; she seemed to take offense when I tried to insist.
“Why don’t you and I go somewhere for lunch, Kelly? Get a sitter for the boys or take them to the pool or something.”
“The pool isn’t safe. I don’t like the kind of kids who go there. And I would never leave them with a sitter.”
Kelly and I never seemed to be alone together. Her sons were always there, in the same room or within earshot or about to rush in and demand something of her. I chafed. I didn’t much like the boys anyway; I found them mouthy and rude, to me but especially to their mother, and altogether too high-spirited for my taste.
“It’s nice to see a mother spend as much time with her kids as you do,” I said once, lying, trying to understand, trying to get her to talk to me about something.
“We’ve always been—close,” she said,