what happens if that second-guessing winds up seeping into the way I conduct myself here on out.”
“So what are you saying?” Shelby demanded. “That you got your nose bloodied and because of that you’re going to walk away from your command and responsibility? That you’re going to quit—?”
“I’m not a quitter.”
“Then what—?”
“I don’t know!” Shouting was unusual for Mueller, and she didn’t like the sound of her raised voice. Immediately she reined herself in, but she was trembling with barely repressed anger. “I don’t know, okay, Elizabeth? I’m allowed not to know. I’m allowed to not have all the damned answers. I’m in the dark and right now I don’t know the way out. And I’m not going to know simply because you’re ordering me to.”
“I wasn’t trying to—”
“Yes, you were. You want me to give you responses right now that I’m not prepared to give. I had a rough outing, and I’m dealing with it in my own way and my own time, rather than on your schedule or anyone else’s. Do you understand that? Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”
“You’re saying I should back off.”
“That is exactly right.”
“Fine. That’s what I’ll do then. But for as long as the Trident is here at Bravo Station for repairs, you should feel free to avail yourself of—”
“I get it.”
“I’m just trying to tell you that I’m here for you—”
“Are you propositioning me?”
“Am I—? What? No!”
“Then your offer is noted and logged. Is there anything else that you feel the need to issue orders about, Admiral?”
Shelby looked as if she was prepared to say something else, and then she sighed. “Carry on, Captain.”
Salutes were a rare, antiquated gesture in Starfleet, and yet Mueller snapped one off now. Shelby did not bother to return it, and Mueller didn’t wait around to see if she did. Instead she turned on her heel and headed off down the hallway, leaving Shelby behind shaking her head.
iii.
When Mueller returned to her quarters, the last thing she was in the mood for was company. She was even less in a mood for children, creatures for which she had little affinity and even less tolerance. There were children on the Trident, yes. That was a reality of extended travel, and there were facilities set up to attend to them. One of the few things she was grateful for was that none of the ship’s children had wound up being injured during the Brethren’s assault. As with all starships, the Trident had a secure station, virtually impenetrable, into which all children were ushered in the event of an invasion. The children had been dispatched there during the Brethren attack and remained secured there, behind walls of solid rodinium, until the threat had passed. Even in that action, though, there had been casualties along the way.
So although Mueller understood the place of children in the grand scheme of things, and was relieved that emergency procedures had managed to protect the lives of Trident’s youngest charges, it wasn’t as if she was especially enamored of them.
Which was why she moaned when she arrived at her quarters and discovered standing outside it Robin Lefler, her child—the infant half-breed Cwansi—cradled in her arms. Before Robin could speak, Mueller said, “Please tell me that you’re just resting here for a moment before proceeding on your way.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could spend a few minutes to talk to me, XO—sorry, Captain. Old habits,” she said, by way of apologizing for addressing Mueller by her former rank. “Anyway, if this is a bad time…”
“It is.” Then she paused and admitted, “However, I don’t foresee a better time coming up in the immediate future, so…” She entered her quarters and gestured for Lefler to follow her. Cwansi was sleeping contentedly, blissfully unaware and uncaring of his surroundings. On some level, Mueller envied him. She gestured toward a chair. “Have a seat and tell me what’s on your mind.”
Robin did so, easing herself in so as not to jostle the sleeping infant. She looked from Mueller to the baby and then said, “If it isn’t too personal a question… do you ever look at Cwansi and think about how, if the situation had been different, this could have been you?”
Mueller literally had no idea what she was talking about at first. Then she processed it and came as close to laughing as she ever did. “You’re asking, because of the fact that I had a very short-lived affair with Si Cwan before he became your