my car and cross my legs in front of me. “No, he was gone before I woke up this morning,” I say quietly.
“Why do you sound upset, babe?” Again, always sensitive to what others are going through.
“Because it feels like he’s shutting me out.” I rush to clarify myself. “And I know he’s grieving and dealing with that in his own way, but I just want him to talk to me and let me help him. I’m so worried about him.”
He’s thoughtful for a moment. “You know, not everyone needs to talk shit out, much as you might disagree with that. Sure, at some point he will possibly want to discuss it, but there are some of us who deal with our thoughts and feelings by going inward rather than outward. Perhaps the best way for you to help him is actually to leave him be and wait for him to come to you.” He pauses for a moment and then asks, “Do you think it’s possible that your desire for him to talk to you is more about your need to talk with him about it? That maybe while you think you’re being there for him, you’re actually trying to fill one of your own needs to help and fix?”
I consider what he’s said. “Shit, I hate it when you go all therapist on me.”
“Just think about it. And just continue to be there for him.”
“I will, but I’m not sure you’re right this time. Everyone who is struggling with grief needs people around them.”
“I’m not saying he doesn’t need you. I’m just saying give him the time and space to come to you in his own time.”
“Fine.” He’s made me a little grumpy. My desire to be here for Jett has nothing to do with me. In fact, I don’t even really understand what he’s trying to say so I change the subject instead of continuing this conversation. “What were you calling for?”
“You’ve had a few job offers come through that I wanted to discuss with you.”
“For what?”
“Magazine shoots. Still fashion, unfortunately.” He sounds as down about it as I feel.
“Ugh, no, I don’t want to do them.”
“Yeah, I figured, but thought I’d ask just in case you’d changed your mind.”
“You know what? I told myself I would take a few months off and I really need that so don’t even tell me about jobs that come in for the next couple of months.” I should have told him this to begin with.
“You sure?” He sounds surprised. “What if something huge comes in?”
I think about it for a minute. “Nope, not even then. I’m going to take this time for me. I’m going to work out what I truly want, because at the moment I’m so confused about it all.” The only thing I’m not confused about is Jett.
“Okay, babe, your call. I won’t bug you about jobs but I will bug you about your life. I’m a little worried about that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ve always been a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and where she was heading. And you’re not that woman anymore.”
I smile. He’s right. But he’s wrong about one thing. “You are so right about me not being that woman anymore. I’m a different woman now and that’s not a bad thing. Everything changed when my marriage broke up and while that sucked, it opened up this whole new life for me. And it’s a better life.”
For the first time in my life, I feel free.
Free to explore me.
Free to explore love with a man worthy of me.
Free to design a life I want to live in every day rather than one I want to vacation from.
27
Jett
I miss Claudia.
I can’t even imagine life without her in it.
Fuck.
I stretch and rub the back of my neck as if doing that will get rid of the cricks and the headache I have. Of course, it doesn’t, and it won’t.
Turning, I stride across the car park and make my way up to Presley’s apartment. I collected my car from the pub this morning and spent most of the day by myself. She’s going to grill me on that, and I’m in no mood to discuss it, so I’m apprehensive about going up. But fuck, I need to see her. She has no idea what her presence through all of this means to me.
She buzzes me in the front door, and a couple of minutes later I step off the elevator on her floor and slowly walk the last