injection?”
“Well, you know how much I hate needles, but no, not about that. About starting something and not knowing the outcome or all the things that may happen along the way.” I take a deep breath before sharing the thing that’s weighing heavily on me but haven’t voiced to anyone but Cleo. “What if Winter and I don’t survive this, Mum?”
“Birdie,” her voice takes on the stern tone she uses when she’s trying to mother me, “stop thinking that way. It’s not a productive use of your time and it’s definitely not the way to begin this journey. You need to be positive, not negative.”
“I am being positive, but I’m also being practical and thinking through all the possible scenarios that could happen. I want to be prepared for anything.”
“So you’ve thought it all through and come up with your marriage failing as one of the scenarios. Does it make you feel more prepared to know that’s a possibility? And does it make you feel better to be prepared for that?”
When she puts it like that, no it doesn’t, but damn it, I can’t help who I am. I’m a compulsive worrier, and I need to know all the possibilities and prep for them. I don’t love this about myself, but I can’t control it. “I think you know the answer to that, and I also think you know I can’t help myself.”
“All you’re doing is stealing today’s peace,” she says, referencing the quote she likes to tell me when my anxiety gets the better of me. “How’s Winter feeling about it all?”
“He’s staying strong.”
“Good.”
“Okay, that’s enough about us. Tell me all about this date.”
We spend another fifteen minutes on the phone while she gives me all the goss. When we end the call, I place the phone on the table and stare into space for a long time thinking about what she said.
Worrying over something that will probably never happen really is stealing today’s joy, and today is supposed to be a joyful day. It’s the day Winter and I are finally going to start doing the things we need to do to make a baby. To build our family.
“Bloody hell,” I mutter, frustrated with myself. “Stop messing things up that weren’t in a mess to begin with.”
My phone rings, thankfully cutting into my thoughts.
Lily.
“Thank God you called right now. You’ve saved me from spending the next God knows how long thinking about things I need to stop thinking about.”
“I’m not even going to ask what those things are because I don’t want you to keep thinking about them. We can just deal with my shit on this call if you’d prefer. I mean, I have enough of it to last the entire call.”
I laugh. I can already hear her exasperation and we haven’t even gotten into what’s going on yet. “Yes! Let’s just deal with your shit today. King? Your mum? Or the kids?”
“For once, it’s not King. It’s Zara. If I could lock that girl in her room for the next decade, I would. Honestly, I’m gaining premature grey hairs because of her.”
“What’s happened?”
“What’s not happened is more the question. She’s been lying to us about where she’s going with friends; she’s gotten into trouble at school because of the boy she’s been seeing; she’s fighting with her father all the time, driving me insane; and now she’s had a huge fight with King, too. I need some of your advice because, at this moment in time, I’m ready to strangle her.”
“Okay, deep breath, babe. Firstly, what does King think about all this?”
She sighs. “Why do we always have to know what King thinks about things?”
“Because the man seems to know his shit when it comes to your kids.”
Another long sigh. She knows I’m right and from her reaction, I’m guessing King has already tried to talk sense into her but she’s not listening to him yet. Calling me is often her response, which still surprises me because I pretty much always agree with King’s ideas for handling the kids. “He does agree with me that she needs to be disciplined over this stuff, but he also thinks I need to loosen my control over her. He told me last night that he believes she’s acting out because I’m too strict. Like, seriously, the man has no experience with teens. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not strict enough.”
“Umm, Lil, you’re forgetting he helped raise his sisters. The man has plenty of experience with teens.”
“Ugh. Why do