Azazel - By Isaac Asimov Page 0,13

in the air-conditioning. "They protect each other. I don't know how it happened but I suddenly discovered, some time ago, that strange young women would approach me and ask if we had not met in Atlantic City. I have never," he added with indignation, "been in Atlantic City in my life.

"No sooner had I denied the fact, when another would approach and claim that I had just dropped my handkerchief and that she would like to return it, and then a third would come up and say, 'How would you like to get into the movies, kid?' "

I said, "All you have to do is pick out one of them. I would take the one who offered to get you into the movies. It's a soft life, and you'd be surrounded by soft starlets."

"But I can't pick out any of them. They watch each other like hawks. As soon as I seem to be attracted to any one of them, all the rest turn on her and start pulling her hair and pushing her out. I am as womanless as ever I was, and in the old days I at least didn't have to stare at them as they heaved their bosoms at me."

I sighed in sympathy and said, "Why not set up an elimination tournament? When surrounded by ladies, as you were just now, say to them, 'Dear ones, I am profoundly attracted to each and every one of you. Therefore I will ask you to line up in alphabetical order so that each one of you may kiss me in turn. The one who does so with the most refined abandon will be my guest for the night.' The worst that can happen will be that you will get a lot of eager kissing.

"Hmm," said Theophilus. "Why not? To the victor belong the spoils, and I would love being spoiled by the appropriate victor." He licked his lips and then pursed them and made practice kisses in the air. "I think I could manage. Do you think it would be less wearing if I insisted on hands-behind-the-back while kissing?"

I said, "On the whole I think not, Theophilus my friend. You should be willing to exert some effort in this cause. I suspect that no-holds-barred would be the better rule."

"Perhaps you are right," said Theophilus, never one to cling to his view in the face of advice from one who could recall copious experience in such matters.

It was about this time that I had to venture out of town on business and it was not until a month had passed that I met Theophilus again. It was in a supermarket and there he was pushing a cart that was moderately filled with groceries. The look on his face smote me. It was a hunted one, as he looked this way and that.

I came up to him and he ducked, with a strangled cry. Then he recognized me and said, "Thank God - I was afraid you were a woman."

I shook my head. "Still that problem? You did not hold the elimination tournament, then?"

"I tried. That was the problem."

"What happened?"

"Well - " He looked this way and that, then moved to one side to peer down an aisle. Satisfied that the coast was clear, he spoke to me in a soft and hurried tone, like one who knew that discretion was necessary and that time was limited.

"I arranged it," he said. "I had them fill out applications, complete with age, brand of mouthwash used, references - all the usual - and then I set the date. I had arranged to hold the tournament in the Grand Ballroom of the Waldorf-Astoria, with an ample supply of lip salve, and with the services of a professional masseur plus a tank of oxygen to keep me in shape. The day before the tournament, however, a man came to my apartment.

"I say a man, but to my dazzled eyes, he seemed more like an animated heap of bricks. He was seven feet tall and five feet broad with fists the size of steamshovels. He smiled, revealing fangs, and said, 'Sir, my sister is one of those who will compete in the tournament tomorrow.' "

"'How pleased I am to hear that,' I said, eager to keep the discussion on a friendly plane.

"'My little sister,' he said, 'a delicate flower on the rough ancestral tree. She is the apple of the eye of my