was eating his desserts. When we were all seated and served—two pieces for me, two for Uncle Mike, one for Aunt Ruby, and four for Jack—Aunt Ruby pinned me with her mayoral gaze.
"All right. Let's work this out. Has there been anyone showing undue interest in you recently?"
"I've thought about it and thought about it, but I can't think of anyone. It has just been a really normal time since Hurricane Elvis almost hit us."
"And the vampire's buddies left a foot in your shop," Jack put in, his eyes hard.
My shoulders slumped. "I am tired of the body parts. I mean, what the heck? Nobody else I know gets dead body parts."
"Well," Jack said, looking a little sheepish. "There was this incident in Texas…"
Uncle Mike, who'd been steadily eating and was now eyeing a third slice, suddenly smacked a hand on the table, making me and Aunt Ruby jump in our seats. "I am tired of people threatening my niece."
"Michael Callahan! She's my niece too. And don't you do that when we're all nervous already," Aunt Ruby scolded him.
"I'm not nervous," Jack said calmly, sliding the chocolate cream pie toward himself when Uncle Mike was distracted.
"Ha! I knew it wouldn’t be long before you were eating the food right out from under me!" Uncle Mike grabbed the lemon pie and moved it out of Jack's reach. "Don't you have somewhere to go?"
"Mike!" Ruby swatted his arm. "Manners! This nice young man can stay as long as he likes."
"I do have somewhere to go," Jack said, grinning at Uncle Mike. "I'm finally taking Tess on our first date this evening. What do you think about that?"
Uncle Mike's eyes narrowed. "I think you and I are going to have a little chat."
I smacked my fork down on the table and started to stand. "Enough, already. I can't breathe for all the testosterone in here, and… Oh."
I fell back into my chair, put my head in my hands, and moaned. "Oh. What about Brig?"
Uncle Mike and Aunt Ruby both sighed, and Jack just looked at us.
"Who?"
"Brigham Hammermill the Fourth," Uncle Mike told him, his face making that 'just bit into a lemon' expression.
"What the hell is a Brigham Hammermill? And why are there four of them?"
Aunt Ruby narrowed her eyes. "Language."
"Sorry. I forget sometimes how to act around civilized people," Jack said, flashing her an apologetic smile which not only made her forgive him but apparently caused her to believe he needed more pie. She nudged an apple pie toward him.
"Hey!" Uncle Mike said indignantly.
I tapped on the tabletop. "Can we focus? Jack, Brigham Hammermill the Fourth is a guy I met at the Swamp Cabbage Festival maybe five years ago. He drove his very expensive car—Ferrari?" I glanced at Uncle Mike, who shook his head.
"Lamborghini. You can't trust somebody who drives a foreign car." He folded his arms across his chest. "Thank goodness you saw the light and drive a Ford now."
"Yes, yes, we get it, Uncle Mike." I turned back to Jack to explain. "Anyway, back to Brig. He walked up to me at the jams booth—I was watching it while Lauren Rollins, she owns Lauren's Deli, you know? Anyway, she had to run to get something out of her car, and I watched over the booth, because Mrs. Frost's hip went out on her when she was at archery practice—"
"Little old Mrs. Frost, who is probably ninety years old? The swamp cabbage pie baker?" Jack's eyes widened. "At archery practice?"
"You've seen that crossbow she carries in her purse. Anyway, so Lauren was on her own, and I couldn’t leave the jams unattended because of what happened the year before—"
"Oh, right, the time Rooster Jenkins brought that mule with him, and it ate the jams and the booth too," Aunt Ruby said, nodding.
"No, that was the year before that," I told her. "I'm talking about the year Darla Holliday promised to reveal her recipe for her famous Lemon Lush, and Mrs. Quindlen and Granny Josephine got in a wrestling match over the last copy and knocked the booth over."
"Never did get that recipe," Uncle Mike grumbled. "I love that Lemon Lush too."
"Anyway, the jams booth can't be left unattended."
Jack, whose eyes were glazed at this point, nodded. "Sure Sure. And this Hammermill character comes in how? He was in the wrestling match with Mrs. Quindlen and Granny Josephine?"
"Please. They'd demolish him," Aunt Ruby said, laughing.
"Anyway," I repeated. "Mr. 'I'm Brigham Hammermill the Fourth, you can call me Brig, everyone must admire