An Alien's Guide to the Human Species - By Deb McEwan
Chapter 1
Earth 1950s. The popular BBC Radio Sitcom I Say Old Chap! was being listened to in kitchens and front rooms all over the UK.
It was Philip Gibson’s favourite show and he chuckled to himself. He finished brushing his boots then stood up, stretched and went back into the kitchen.
‘Put kettle on, love, I could murder a cuppa.’
Margaret smiled. After many years together big Phil’s laughter always made her happy. She put the kettle on the stove and thought about their son, Trevor, the miracle child who was born despite the doctors telling Margaret she’d never be a mother. Trevor was out playing Cowboys and Indians with his friends. The surgery to separate his fingers had been successful and nobody called him names anymore. He was able to fire the toy gun like all the other boys and now no longer considered a freak; they all wanted to be on Trevor’s side. He towered over the rest of them, and would be very tall, just like his father.
The skies were dark, the streets were grey and the red brick houses stood out in this sepia world, like dinosaurs in a restaurant, and it wasn’t just human beings who were listening to the broadcast.
Planet 1102711/3 roughly translated into most Earth languages as Largo, was smaller than Earth. The hilly land was barren and covered with bright rocks and stones, like the colours of a set in a children’s TV show. Silver dome-shaped buildings were liberally dotted over large parts of the planet; no semi-detached or terraced homes for the inhabitants of Largo. The residents could see out of the silver domes, but those outside couldn’t see in. The doors were made of their lighter coloured rocks and were colour-coded to match the families who lived inside. Largo had two suns and three moons. Its inhabitants could breathe the toxic air without assistance, just like they could on any other planet they’d visited. During the solar storm season, the Largo inhabitants moved underground, and unless the storms were really bad, most of them survived. If humans entered Largo’s atmosphere without specialised breathing equipment, they would die. If they entered during the solar storm season, they’d be reduced to hot ash in a matter of seconds, bones, teeth an’ all.
The Largo residents were designated 121s, or Terries in Earth language. There was a buzz of excitement about the news that the Deputy Chief Astronomer, known as 34, had picked up radio waves from an unknown faraway planet which was proof of life – what sort of life was still to be established. He had passed the recording of I Say Old Chap! to 71 the Chief Astronomer.
The Terry Government met to discuss the discovery and decided to send an advanced probe into space. The probe returned twenty five Earth years later. During that period, Largo engineers had worked hard on the space travel programme and were now in a position to send probes and vehicles back and forth to Earth much faster, and to visit different time zones. The government ordered its scientists to obtain further information from the new planet and what followed was the beginning of the Terry investigation of planet Earth.
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A number of Terry drones were sent to remote places on Earth to collect earth, air and water samples. One of them had gone awry and had caused some confusion in Graylesford. 37 people had contacted the police that night and the Desk Officer, Sgt Donald was fed-up. The sightings were inconsistent and varied from reports of a cylindrical type craft of about 5 feet long with shiny yellow and red lights, to the full-on alien sighting of a supposedly 3 foot tall silver alien saying phone home. This last one had come in from Mac, a local drunk who wanted to add to the chaos.
Sgt Donald had also dealt with 5 assaults, a suspected flasher and a missing dog. He’d sent 2 constables to investigate the alleged UFO sightings to no avail. Roll on the morning when he could go home and get away from all this madness, to some well deserved kip!
When the other drones eventually returned to Largo, the scientists replicated the Earth’s conditions in a number of their laboratories to see whether their own inhabitants would be able to survive if sent there.
After a lengthy period of observation, The Terry government and scientists made a number of communication attempts with the inhabitants of the newly discovered planet. Unfortunately, none of the animal species contacted were able to