An Alien's Guide to the Human Species - By Deb McEwan Page 0,1

communicate with the Terry translator device.

While contemplating their next move a breakthrough was made in the form of a whale named Alfred. Alfred had been highly amused by the Terry initial attempts at contact. However, he soon became bored by their pathetic efforts. It was time to educate them so Alfred intercepted one of the Terry voice messages and added his response. He sent an anonymous message explaining that humans thought they were the Earth’s supreme species and that whales and dolphins were happy for them to believe this for the time-being – especially as they were water-bound and hadn’t yet worked out a way to live successfully out of the water. Alfred went on to explain the nature of life on earth and told the Terries that humans could and would exhibit strange behaviour at the best of times. He suggested that it would be best for Terries to study humans before attempting to make contact. This message was relayed back to the Terry government who held a meeting with the scientists and planet’s media moguls.

The observations continued and the Terries had begun to learn a little more about life on Earth and the customs and culture of some of its inhabitants. Terries, formerly identified by family numbers, decided to adopt the human practise of using names instead. Their Government organised a massive advertising campaign to inform all Terries of this change and the population was excited by this new idea. Each family, and individual who did not belong to a family group, had been given a name book.

The Chief of Terryvision decided to call himself Haggis Fanshawe.

Haggis had an idea and approached the Terry Minister for Media, Tree Henderson. After consultation with Rodney Riverbank the Prime Minister, it was agreed that Haggis would be allowed to make two documentaries so that all Terries would be educated in the ways of the newly discovered planet and its inhabitants. The Minister agreed that this may prove useful in case of future visits or invasions.

The first series would be a brief history about the evolution of the planet, giving the Terries their first experience of Earth’s inhabitants, spectacular vistas, lush landscapes and geography. The second about the inhabitants who thought they were the supreme beings.

The Terries were not yet in a position to send their own species to film the documentaries and had to find an alternative solution.

*****

The Largo Ministry of Science dome consisted of long corridors off which were a number of labs where Terry scientists worked, dressed in protective blue lab suits. The lab tanks contained spiders of different shapes and sizes.

The lazy tarantula-type spiders, imported from Earth, had just been fed and the scientists didn’t expect them to be much use for at least a few days. The spiders that were interesting the Chief Scientist and her colleagues were the Cavalier spiders from the planet Phoenix. One of the silver creatures had a tiny video camera - a webcam - strapped to the top of its abdomen. A number of small dead flies were placed outside the tank, and Max, the spider carrying the webcam, slowly dragged one leg in front of the other towards the flies, struggling underneath the weight of the camera. He eventually made it to the dead flies and managed to drag one back into the tank.

‘I’m absolutely shattered. My legs are killing me, my abdomen is sore and I feel like I could sleep for a week. Oi, can you get this thing off me now. Pleeeease?’

The Terry Chief Scientist, Pamela Birdflu, nodded to one of her subordinates and he carefully removed the webcam from Max.

‘Aaah, lovely.’

Max wiggled his elegant silver body and moved to the corner of his tank.

‘A little kip then a quick power lunch and some more training I expect.’

He looked at the fly in disgust and tried to think of its nourishment value, rather than the taste of the insect. Before being captured by the Bundrils on Phoenix, Max had been a vegetarian and had eaten only the green leaves of some of the planet’s flora. He smiled in memory of those innocent long-gone days.

The scientists nodded their heads and Max settled down for a well-earned rest.

The tests proved to Pamela that the spiders were intelligent beings and instead of providing tasty snacks for her fellow Terries, could be put to good use. Pamela and her team had observed that Max appeared to be the leader of his small group of spiders and she approached him with the idea.