it a gentle squeeze. “Seriously, though, I’m not saying it to be mean. Quite the opposite. We all have built-in protection mechanisms, and that’s yours. Insulting yourself before anyone else can do it. But here’s the thing—the majority of people were never going to hurt you in the first place. And the ones who would are assholes and their opinion doesn’t matter.”
Although she was embarrassed to have her cousin pick up on something she’d done for so long that it was almost second nature to her, she couldn’t deny that it was an ugly habit. She did it partly because having attention focused on herself made her uncomfortable, but she had to face that fact that her low self-esteem played a role as well. Never let them see you sweat. Or, in her case, never let them hurt you when you can do it yourself. Sara ran a hand through her hair self-consciously. “You’re absolutely right. I once worked with a lady who did the same thing. Funny thing is, I’d never noticed any of the things she brought to my attention. But after that, I couldn’t stop seeing them.”
“Yep, precisely.” Chloe nodded. “She retrained your brain. It’s why you never tell a guy what size you wear. Because chances are they think you’re way smaller until you toss out something that contains the word ‘large.’ After that, when they look at your ass, yeah . . . big.”
Sara giggled; she couldn’t help it. And it seemed to be contagious because, seconds later, Chloe joined in, and soon they were leaning against each other laughing hysterically. In the midst of it all, she couldn’t help thinking how much she’d missed having a close friend. Someone to share moments like these with. Not only had she given up dating, but she’d pushed aside most of her relationships. She’d read once that it was often those who thought so little of themselves that willingly marooned themselves on their own island of self-loathing. Was that me? To not know that my cousin thinks highly of me and thinks I’m pretty? Sara almost felt ashamed that she’d sunk so low that she not only expected criticism but possibly condoned it by not answering back. Built-in protection mechanisms. Mine were walls. Was Chloe right? This says without words that you’re vibrant, funny, loving, and a flipping knockout. Was that how other people—those not in the asshole territory—saw her?
When she thought hard about it, she couldn’t even remember when this behavior started, but clearly it wasn’t the way to continue living life. Vibrant. Funny. Loving.
Unfortunately, while she’d remained in limbo, the world had continued on without her; she hadn’t joined in as part of it. That has to change. Both Gabe and Chloe had shown her what she was missing. Having a boyfriend, someone she connected with like Gabe, would be great . . . but what she wanted most of all was simply a life of her own. And only she could make that happen.
Chapter Seven
Gabe couldn’t believe how anxious and excited he was to be back online again. I need the escape from reality badly. The communications block had been lifted an hour earlier, but he’d been forced to sit through a meeting before he could make it to the privacy of his office. It had been almost two full days since he’d written to Sara, and he hated that she had no clue why he had stopped writing to her. Yet another hardship on those back at home. Technology was wonderful, and did an amazing job at lessening the hardship of deployments, but things still happened that were beyond their control. Even though they’d still worry, family members who’d been through this with soldiers before understood it. But Sara likely had no clue. Should I have warned her ahead of time? That was the problem with connections like this—you didn’t really know what protocol to follow. If he were dating or married, then of course he’d have covered the part about not panicking if he abruptly disappeared. Naturally, a significant other would still be concerned, but at least they knew the possibility of downtime existed. Sara had popped into his life so suddenly, he hadn’t had a chance to think of anything other than how much he enjoyed talking to her.
He knew he could easily sit there another hour and obsess, but he had an e-mail to send. So he pulled up her last message and hit the Reply button.
Sara:
I’m sorry I’ve been