started waving his hands, saying there were bellboys who would help, but I told him I only had one bag that I hadn’t unpacked.
Julius: Emma got her way. There’s a surprise.
Emma: When I got back downstairs with my bag, the manager took me out to the back of the hotel. I couldn’t believe it at first. I’d pictured some sort of run-down staff quarters – but the cottages were beautiful. There was a perfect green lawn at the front, with neat flower beds on both sides. The two buildings were symmetrical, with a red door in the centre of each and a window on the side. They were hidden away behind a hedge and I assumed that was where the property line sat. They were so shiny that it was almost as if they’d been painted the day before.
The manager showed me to the door of the one he said was mine and it was so lovely that I felt embarrassed to be walking in there when it was just me and my bag. Everything was sparkling, like a whole team had gone in and scrubbed everything until it was impossible to be any cleaner. There were thick marble counters and big sliding doors at the back. It’s definitely the nicest place I’ve ever slept.
Julius: Did she tell you about the marble counters? She told everyone else.
Emma: I felt so overwhelmed by it all. It didn’t feel right that Dad had almost died and I was benefitting because of it. Then I had to gulp away tears because the walls of my cell suddenly felt so close. Anyone who’s been in prison will tell you that it never really goes away. It might be a clang that reminds you of the doors closing, or a squeak that makes you think of someone moving in the bunk above or below. The screech of cutlery is the worst for me. If I ever hear a knife scrape on a plate, I’m back at mealtimes.
As I was looking around this lovely space, all I could think about was how different it was to the place where I’d been not that long before.
Julius: I probably should have taken the cottage.
Emma: I was still in the same clothes from the day before, so, after the manager left, I locked everything up, put down the blinds and then went and had a shower.
I remember standing under the water, thinking it was the best shower I’d ever had. I know that’s strange, but I think it was the water pressure. I was standing there, letting the water thump into me, and I felt so… clean. I couldn’t tell you how long I was in there. I honestly think I could have fallen asleep in there.
Julius: I almost went back to reception to have the manager open the cottage door and check on Emma. She wasn’t answering the door and I still couldn’t be sure about whether she had been drinking the night before.
Emma: I didn’t hear Julius knocking on the cottage door. The shower is at the back and I had everything closed in between. The water would have been loud – and then I had to get dressed. I was surprised when he said he was on the brink of going to get the manager to check on me.
Julius: I was worried about her. That’s the thing with Emma. You try to do something for her and, instead of acknowledging the gesture, she tries to second-guess everything and wonders if you have an ulterior motive.
Despite everything she did, and despite what happened on the island, I’m still her older brother.
Emma: When we’d established that I’d simply been in the shower, Julius asked if I’d like to babysit the girls that night. When we were on the way back from the hospital, we’d sort of been arguing without actually arguing, so I wondered if there was something behind it all.
Julius: Told you: always trying to second-guess everything.
Emma: He said the twins had missed seeing me and that he wanted me to be a part of their lives. I didn’t know what to say at first because I hadn’t been alone with a child since I got out of prison.
…
It wasn’t a part of my release conditions, or anything like that. It’s not like I’m a danger to kids – but people look at you differently when you’ve done what I did. I understand it and I don’t blame anyone but myself.