the drugs my mother forced into my veins, it made it harder for me to fight the men off. I tried. Every. Fucking. Time. I tried… including this time. This particular asshole had me facing him the entire time he was abusing me. All I saw was the way his face scrunched in pleasured delight.” My stomach rolls at the memory. “My hands reached out, aiming for his neck, flailing about trying to choke him, to get him off me, but all he did was laugh. Once he … finished, I saw my mother standing in the doorway watching the whole damn thing.”
Prinie huffs. “Are you kidding me?”
“Mother of the year. Then the fucker turned my MO against me, and started to strangle me instead. He was high off his nut, and I felt the life draining from me, but she stood there… just… watching. I was helpless to do anything, but honestly, at that point, I was ready to let it all go.”
“Oh, Wraith.”
“But Mom’s pimp, T-Max, knocked on the door saying the fucker’s time was up. So, he simply… let me go. Air flowed back into my lungs as he got up and left. Then Mom stood over me telling me how every woman in my life is going to stand over my body and watch me get fucked, time and time again. Because I’m worthless and deserve nothing but the pain I’d caused her by being alive.”
Prinie sniffles again. “Jesus Christ, and you wonder why you have a hard time connecting with people?”
“That’s not the end, Prinie.”
“It’s not?”
Finally, I turn to look at her. “When I came to, Mom was trying to give me another hit. Preparing me for another asshole to come in and to do the whole thing over again… I snapped. I fought back this time. I would not let it happen again.”
Prinie’s eyes widen with realization. “You strangled her?” I nod. “And you liked the power it held. You liked the feeling because killing her gave you the chance to finally be free.”
Maybe Prinie understands me better than I even do.
“Her pimp, T-Max, saw the whole damn thing. Aimed a gun to my head. I tried to fight him off, but the fucker called the heat on me and that’s how I ended up in juvie. But, he actually did me a solid and testified that I reacted in self-defense. Told them she was trying to drug me for her own personal gain. Got me a lighter sentence and early release.”
Her eyes light up. “I get it now. This all stems from your mother.”
I cock my head. “What does?”
Prinie turns to face me a little more, grabbing both my hands in hers. “Your need to choke, your sexual desires, they are reliving a time in your life that was liberating for you.”
I grimace hearing her say it out loud. “I’m not following.”
“Your mother told you every woman in your life was going to stand over your body and watch you get fucked time and time again. Because you’re worthless and deserve nothing but the pain you’d caused by being alive. You clung to that. It’s ingrained into your psyche. Subconsciously, deep inside, that scared little boy thinks every woman is like your mother. They are going to stand back and let people hurt you because you’re worthless. Because you bring nothing but pain to those around you. Well, I’m telling you now, Talon, I’m never going to stand by and let anyone hurt you. I’d throw myself in front of a firing gun before I’d let another human being hurt you like that again.”
A wave of cold washes over me, finding it difficult to breathe. My ears start to ring as my eyes fill with unshed tears. No one has ever stepped up to defend me like Prinie has. No one has ever cared about me enough, or believed in me, even to contemplate saying something like that.
Letting out a long breath to control my emotions, I shake my head. “I’m so… fucking sorry.”
Her entire body slumps, tears falling down her face. She launches over the top of me, kneeling either side of my thighs. Her hands come out gripping my cheeks as she stares into my eyes. “Stop! I know you are. It wasn’t you. Certainly, not this man I’m seeing right now. And even if that part of you is stuck with us for the rest of our lives, that’s fine, too. We’ll deal with it, together. Okay?”
My hands slide out