took the rejection badly and a few weeks after he returned to the army—angry, and humiliated—I discovered I was pregnant with Nishy’s child. Nishy and I told no one except Bertha, a woman whose unconditional loyalty has sustained me throughout all these years. When our olive-skinned daughter, one-quarter Indian and blessed by royal blood, was born in the early summer of 1916 Nishy and I called her May after the month of her birth and a time of year when all the world seems full of hope and promise.
Duncan returned to Barbados in the summer of 1917, took one look at the year-old baby, saw the touch of darkness on her skin and realised what must have happened. There was a violent and dreadful row and Nishy, fearing for his life, returned at once to Rajasthan. He wanted me to follow him but Duncan’s threats of recrimination eroded my resolve. I prayed daily for the courage to scoop my children into my arms and escape to Nishy in India or to my parents in Scotland or to my sister and her family in London. I will never cease to regret that fear prevented me from doing so. I remained on the island, sustained by motherhood alone.
I have not seen Nishy since the day we were parted but we have written to each other every single week. For eighteen years I have brought my letter to the plantation office where Bertha’s husband, Tom, conceals it within the outgoing pile of mail. Nishy’s letter to me waits for collection from the Speightstown post office in an envelope addressed to Bertha. She continues to run the risk of being questioned about receiving letters from her cousin in India. When you, May, my daughter, began taking the post to Speightstown a few years ago, you were unaware that the documents you carried in your hands were letters of love between your parents. I have saved all Nishy’s letters and I hope that one day they will be given to you so you can both understand and forgive.
Duncan’s one condition in allowing you, May, to live in the family house was that neither you nor Sam should ever be told the truth of May’s parentage. I agreed to keep the secret. No one challenged the assumption that the beautiful child with her dark skin was Duncan’s daughter. Duncan’s own war injuries had resulted in a cruel infertility and with my infidelity, the loss of his manhood, and the death of an adored elder brother, he began to drink. In the navy, rum had been a fifth element, like air or water. The alcohol exacerbated his anger and his moods were and are often terrifying.
At first he could not bring himself to look at the new baby, aware perhaps that no child of such beauty could have been conceived out of anything other than love. But after a few years his behaviour towards you began to evolve into one of stifling affection. He told me that if he could not love you as a father he would love you “better than a father.” I did not object. I reasoned that it was better that he loved you too much than not at all.
Throughout the years Duncan’s regard, even love for you, Sam, remained intact. He was proud of you and it was only because of that pride and the hope that you gave him amidst his own failure, that he agreed you should both go to England. My own fears for your safety were softened by knowing you would be in the care of Nathanial, who I trust with you both on my sister’s life.
I count the days I have already spent without you and wonder how long I can continue with an existence that feels so empty. Duncan is angrier than ever. He blames himself for letting you go just as he blamed himself for leaving me during the war.
But if he had not left me then I would never have known the love of Nishy, nor spent three years with my beloved son all to myself, nor had the joy of becoming the mother to my precious daughter.
Whatever happens to me, never forget that I have always been
Your adoring
Mamma
May put the letter back in the envelope feeling dazed. The tragedy on the beach no longer seemed accidental. She put her arm round her brother’s shoulders.
“I hated Duncan too,” Sam said quietly, his use of the first name for his father unmistakably cold. Sam had