Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,82

also inside me.”

She crossed the couch to grab him and kneeled beside him as she held onto him. “It isn’t at all. I know it’s not.”

“I thought when I was with Kathy, maybe it wasn’t. All the spiritual work I did seemed to cancel those impulses and desires. And then…”

Her head pounded. What he said slammed into her like he socked her in the gut. She knew instinctually that Jim didn’t mean to offend her with the worst insult. But he did and it hurt. Kathy was better for him because she allowed him to stay on the path of fucking redemption?

“Jim.” She took his face into her hands and her gaze caressed him. “You don’t deserve to be in a loveless relationship. You don’t need redemption. Having sex with me was normal. It’s based on normal feelings. You have the same feelings I have. Do you think I’m a pervert or on my way to hell for having them? Do you think it will lead me to becoming a pedophile?”

“No. No!” he said quickly. Then he pushed her away and grabbed his head. “But… there is something unhealthy inside me. Jimmy… he’s inside me.”

“Do you desire sex with boys?” Bold. Direct. Fucking getting right to it.

He stopped shaking his head for a second. “NO! Never. But Jimmy did and he was my father. My—”

Jimmy fucked him up mentally if not physically. Jim linked any kind of sex to the rapes he saw Jimmy doing when he was a kid. All of it. Jim’s view of sexual activity was a traumatic, inappropriate, excessive, free-for-all. The antithesis of healthy romance, obviously. Kayla knew in her gut level that he wasn’t anything like Jimmy. His whole life was dedicated to his efforts to redeem himself. To expunge his past. He strove to be a living saint, whose only flaw was his very ordinary, very normal and healthy attraction to a woman.

That woman was her.

She was the only one he wanted. And in his lust for her, he half-tortured himself.

She knew it but she erroneously believed it was all about purity. Fuck. His guilt was deeply embedded. And stubborn. She closed her eyes. By the time he came to her bedroom that day, he probably slayed himself so many times for wanting to and yet, he could not resist the magnetic tug of chemistry. Undeniable attraction. Both of them.

She wanted to convince him he was still as pure as the driven snow. But right now, all she sensed was to keep her hands off his body. He was going through something profoundly challenging and needed more space. He wasn’t ready for her to convince him otherwise. She would show him how normal, healthy and good things were between them. She would, she vowed. After he got through this initial shock.

What he told her was alarming, but not the way he believed. She sorted out all the details and context. She picked one thing, the most important thing she could address right here and now.

“Jim, look into my eyes.”

His nostrils flared and his eyelids blinked rapidly. He swallowed and finally tilted his head up to her gaze. “My eyes are not full of disgust. Okay? If you look closely, you can see the sympathy for the boy you once were. For the terrible things you endured, the neglect and abandonment and the rejection. In seeking comfort and a sense of belonging, you became a pastor, which saved you from a dark path. I really believe that.” She kept her gaze pinned on him as she added, “But being a pastor cannot save your soul. Okay? There is nothing wrong with your soul. There never was. Yours is a perfectly ordinary, run of the mill, normal soul. Just like mine. Or Kathy’s. Or Eric’s. All humans make mistakes, your bad thoughts are neutralized by good ones and when you do kind, wonderful things. Your soul, the most innermost part of you, is not damaged or dark or lacking redemption. Do you hear me? See? My eyes are clear and I’m looking right at you and telling you the truth.”

He tilted his head and studied her face closely. Her eyes. Was he still searching for lies? Reading between the lines? His ancient belief that he was born bad and the Zavarians’ reaction to his father’s intrusive visit were the only barometer he had to gauge his value and worth. His sense of righteousness was inextricably tied to his early moral support, which made him think he