Zenith in Love (Zenith Series #5) - Leanne Davis Page 0,106
reached up and touched his face with a soft, tender smile and a nod.
The congregation would be surprised, shocked and yes, judgmental. Together, they’d weather the storm and come out of it.
Or not.
Jim shoved his shoulders back. There was the distinct chance that the church might not accept him. It wouldn’t be anything official, but perhaps an unofficial dismissal of his services. He wasn’t sure he’d want to stay if they didn’t accept him with Kayla.
That might be the worst outcome of the entire ordeal. His past wouldn’t be the culprit this time. His present might be. And damn right he would choose who he loved. He’d waited his entire life for it, he’d never let it go.
Kathy and Jim were sort of in it together. If it became too much for the church members to tolerate, he’d have to leave. The last thing he intended to do was cause more strife or contaminate his message and the good works they did. If it were a problem, which Jim now expected it could be, they would make him leave the church.
When Sunday came, Jim’s stomach started jumping with nerves. The morning ritual went like clockwork, soothing his ragged nerves until Kayla came in. She kept her head down, and her smile at him was subdued as she slipped into the pew beside Eric.
Eric was sitting in the front pew and not serving as Kathy’s bodyguard this time. As he stepped out, Jim made eye contact with him, and they shared a nod and a wave. Jim made his way to the back of the room to welcome his worshipers. He hoped nothing was lost, not after all he’d gained. But if he were not welcomed here any longer, Jim was prepared to find another church if necessary.
Jim still had to enjoy his life, which he hoped included a wife, kids and family… maybe. Someday perhaps with Kayla. No matter what, Jim would make sure it was his choice.
His relationship with Kathy made them feel like mascots to the entire church. He understood how people regarded them. Unlike her own family, the congregation found them sweet, adorable, and something to applaud. Their breakup would stun everyone at first. And the knowledge that neither of them were single would probably take some time for people to swallow too.
Jim sighed. Proper protocol existed everywhere. Even here.
For the first time, however, Jim refused to let fear dictate his decision. The long years he spent trying to hide his past and his connection to a pedophile father/cult leader were over. His double life of appearing morally perfect in order to avoid tarnishing his image and reputation while secretly drinking in private was over too.
Jim chose to live under the constant threat of failure. The incessant quest to be perfect. He came across as too sanctimonious because he was. He tried too hard to keep a leash around himself and never make any mistakes. It was impossible for anyone to maintain.
If anyone saw it as a mistake, as he did at first, now Jim realized what he felt about Kayla was one of the best things that happened to him. Right up there with becoming a pastor. And taking the Zavarian name. He was finally anchoring his life to a place and a person.
Jim’s fear of losing his position and standing in the church and the surrounding community he loved was all he valued and prized in his life. He never had a family. His lukewarm friendship with Kathy, whom he once considered his future wife, never stirred up his passion like Kayla did.
Everything he worked for could go up in flames and smoke right now. He sincerely hoped not. For the first time, he was not bound and gagged to a narrow lifestyle. He could be… human. He was a human being in a role of leadership to his fellow worshipers. He was not a saint. He could no more proclaim moral dominance than anyone else there. Even if they demanded it. He tried, but failed all these years. Now? Maybe he could actually find some compliance with his flaws.
It was humbling for Jim to realize how having someone on his side who supported him completely, buffered the ill effects of the world. Jim never knew that before and thought his job and faith were everything. His faith never left him, but he deserved a healthy private life that was as real as everyone else’s in that church.