The Women Who Ran Away - Sheila O'Flanagan Page 0,101

thinking about that ages ago. This was . . .’

‘What?’

‘Can’t you guess?’ Bex’s frustration came through in the words. ‘Can’t you guess what sort of procedure I’d have and not tell my mother because she’d kill me?’

It took a moment before realisation hit Deira, then her hand tightened on her phone.

‘An abortion?’ She almost whispered the words. ‘Was that it? Did you have an abortion, Bex?’

‘I couldn’t have a baby. I just couldn’t.’ Bex started to cry. ‘It’s the right decision for me, I know. I’m relieved I did it. I don’t regret it. Not at all. But I keep thinking of going home and not saying anything to Mum and I’ll want to. So I had to tell you instead.’

For the first time in her adult life, Deira was completely speechless. She concentrated on keeping her expression as neutral as she could, but she couldn’t form the words to comfort her niece because she didn’t have them. She didn’t know how to tell Bex that she supported her one hundred per cent when all she wanted to do was yell at her and say that she could have had her baby and that she, Deira, would have taken care of it and that it would have been the best solution for everyone. She couldn’t tell her that her heart was broken. That wasn’t what Bex wanted to hear. But it was the only thing Deira wanted to say.

‘It was . . . it was a one-off thing,’ Bex continued into her silence. ‘I didn’t say no that night, but I wanted to. He wasn’t . . . We’re not . . . Well . . . it was easier to let it happen than to argue about it. But I’m not on the pill. I was going out with someone and we were fine, we used protection, but we split up and I went off with some friends and it was a party and we all had a bit too much to drink and . . . It was my own fault, really. I should’ve . . . I could’ve . . . I didn’t say no.’ The tears streamed down her face.

‘It’s not all your own fault.’ Deira hardly recognised her own voice. ‘It’s not. You can’t think like that, Bex.’

‘I didn’t believe I was pregnant. That it had happened to me,’ said Bex. ‘I mean, who truly thinks it’ll happen the first time with someone? And it was only ever going to be the one time with him.’

‘Did you tell him?’

‘No!’ Through her tears, Bex looked horrified. ‘No. I couldn’t. His parents are . . . they’re well known in town. And he’s . . . he’s engaged to someone else.’

‘Oh Bex.’

‘He wouldn’t believe me if I told him, I know he wouldn’t. He’d say it wasn’t his. And if I said anything different, they’d trash-talk me all around the town. I’d be the one who was in the wrong. I’d be called all sorts of names. It’s always the girl who’s in the wrong. It’s always the girl gets called a slut. They’d say I was drunk and I didn’t know who I was with. That it could’ve been anyone. They’d drag up all sorts of stuff about me even if it wasn’t true.’

‘Bex, you said it was your fault and it’s not, it’s really not. But I have to ask you – you said it was easier to go along with it. Did he rape you?’

‘No. It was . . . it was a mistake. And I’ve fixed it. That’s all.’

Deira closed her eyes. Her heart went out to her niece, who was hurting so badly but who was absolutely right about how she would be perceived by everyone around her. It would be all very well to say she’d been too drunk to consent, but many people would judge her for getting drunk in the first place. Deira understood exactly what had made Bex take the decision she had. She wanted to comfort her and to assure her that she loved her. Yet Bex had gone for a termination, when Deira herself would have given anything to have a baby of her own.

She had always vehemently believed in a woman’s right to choose. She still did. It wasn’t for her to make judgements about anybody else’s choices. Nobody could understand the full circumstances except the woman making the choice herself. But she wished that Bex’s had been different. She wished her niece had confided