before we were supposed to head up north?” Joy asked.
“Oh, no, Joy.” Grace sputtered with laughter. “She found them?”
Joy nodded grimly. “I’d ordered some of her favorite coffee online, and while I was out running errands, it showed up along with my other deliveries. Marge took it upon herself to open all of the packages.”
Grace said nothing as she cringed for her friend. Marge Lansing was the type of lady who thought wearing shorts in public was scandalous and never missed an opportunity to inform Joy that her necklines were too low and her hemlines too high. If she was involved, Grace knew this story wasn’t going to end well.
“Tell her what was in the second package,” Hope said, unable to hide her chuckle.
Joy used two fingers to rub her left temple. “You know how I told you that I caught Paul watching porn that one time?”
“Yeah?” Grace wasn’t sure where this was going. She didn’t know one married woman who hadn’t caught her husband watching porn at some point or another.
“I checked his browser history to see what he might like. I thought… Well, I thought that if I presented him with his fantasy, that might help.” Joy’s face had gone from tinged pink to bright red.
“That’s actually pretty sweet.” Grace said. But seeing the horrified look on Joy’s face, she added, “I’m guessing it didn’t go well?”
“It didn’t go anywhere. Because do you know what happens when you order an assortment of butt plugs and your mother-in-law finds them?”
Grace’s mouth dropped open, and silence filled the table as the phrase butt plugs hung in the air. Finally, Grace cleared her throat. “Um, excuse me, but did you just say—”
“Butt plugs. That’s right. I’m so desperate for my husband to notice me again that I ordered those damn things, thinking we’d test them out together. And maybe we’d try… you know.”
“But…” Grace shook her head, trying to process what her friend had just said. She didn’t have a problem with anyone trying whatever their kinks were, but back door action? In twenty years, she’d never heard her friend talk about anything other than vanilla sex. “Are you sure you want to try that? I thought…” She cleared her throat. “Exit only, remember?”
Hope snickered.
Joy gave Grace a flat stare. “The toys weren’t for me, Grace.”
“Oh. Oh!” Grace’s face flushed hot. “I see. How did that… I mean, did it help?”
“Nope. Remember I said that Marge opened the boxes?”
Grace’s eyes felt huge as they nearly popped out of her head. “Paul’s mother found them? What did she say?”
“She said they make lovely centerpieces,” Joy said with an exasperated sigh. “They were the glass kind, and Marge used them in the flower arrangements she made for us. Imagine my surprise when I came home and found the dining room table set with three arrangements of silk flowers, each of them with a glass plug right in the center. Meanwhile, the flashing tassels were hung on either side of a Happy Birthday streamer. When Paul walked in behind me a few minutes later, he thought he’d walked in on a stripper party.”
“Oh my god,” Grace wheezed as laughter seized her. Tears started to roll down her cheeks and suddenly it was very hard to breathe.
Hope joined in the hysterics, and the two of them were practically falling out of their chairs when the waiter dropped by with their totchos and basket of wings.
“Can I get the largest margarita you have?” Joy asked him. “And a giant piece of salted caramel cheesecake.”
“It’s that kind of day?” he asked sympathetically.
“You have no idea.”
Grace and Hope only laughed harder.
By the time Grace got herself under control and wiped her eyes, Joy was chuckling along with them.
“You know, in the moment, I was completely horrified. If the floor would’ve opened up and swallowed me whole, I would’ve welcomed my demise, but this is a story I’ll be telling when I’m rolling around the old folks’ home.”
“No doubt,” Hope agreed, squeezing Joy’s hand.
“So, what happened after that?” Grace asked.
“Paul kept his cool long enough to thank his mother for her thoughtfulness and acted as if we didn’t have sex toys adorning our dining room table while we had dinner with his mother. Thankfully, it was just the three of us that night. All the kids had other plans. The minute she left, he lost his shit and tossed the centerpieces in the garbage. Then he didn’t talk to me for three days.”
“Did you ever discuss it after that?”