do was line it all up into neat little rows and snort it, fast and easy. I was torn up, ripped apart, conflicted and crawling out of my skin. And she was so far away, and I was so alone.
“I just, um,” I cleared my throat and sniffed back the tears, “I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” she answered quietly. “But I'll see you tomorrow. Okay? I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
She hung up first. I wondered if she would've been able to, if she knew what was happening to me. I wondered if she would've hopped on the next train, if she knew what I was about to do, as I slowly opened the bag and poured the smallest bit of powder out onto the mirror. But I'd never know, and that was fine, actually, because this was a one-off. A one-time thing, to get me through the night and to make it to tomorrow. That was the lie I told myself, as I made a perfect little line, leaned forward, and in one smooth inhale, pulled it into my body.
And I believed it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
ANDREA
The train ride back into the city was long and exhausting, despite getting a good night's sleep in my comfortable bed at home. This split life I was now living was wearing on me and I noticed it more with every trip back and forth. Between the secret I was keeping from Vinnie, and the disapproval of my relationship from my family, I could sense an inevitable breaking point coming. Things would be said, people would be hurt, and I, without a doubt, would suffer the most.
I had spent the night sprinkling glitter on silk flowers and assembling favors. Mer and Willa had their own duties and together, we had transformed my parents’ backyard into something that would’ve made Martha Stewart proud. It had been a good night, full of white wine, Chinese food, and good company. Until Vinnie had called. And then, the conversation had been geared strictly toward how toxic our relationship was.
“He can’t even let you have a night with your sisters,” Mer had said, shaking her head as she cut another strip of tulle to wrap around a glass vase. “How the hell are you even okay with that?”
“He was just calling to see what I was up to,” I’d replied, defending him while finding it difficult to get the sound of his voice out of my head. He’d sounded so troubled, so desperate, and it had left me feeling worried and guilty. “What’s the problem with that?”
“If Eric ever did that to me, I’d tell him to get a freakin’ life,” Willa had muttered, sipping from her glass. “You need to set your boundaries, Andrea. Otherwise, he’s never going to know what’s okay and what isn’t. He’s just gonna control your life and do you really want that?”
I’d spent the night after they’d left lying in bed and wondering if they were right. When I was with Vinnie, I never once thought he was stealing the reins and calling the shots in my life. But how could I judge our entire relationship, over the past couple of weeks since his father had died? He was hurt and mourning. It was only natural to cling to the people you love during troubled times, and he loved me.
I’d fallen asleep assured that we were good, that our relationship was fine and that the only problem was with me and the secrets I was too afraid to divulge. But now on the train, I was trapped again inside my head and unsure.
“I need to relax,” I muttered to myself and the young man beside me.
“What?” the middle-aged woman he belonged to replied, looking up from her book.
“Sorry,” I said, smiling. “I’m just having a bad day.”
“You and me both, hon.”
The young man begged me with his eyes, clasping his hands in his lap and leaning toward the woman’s side. Something about him was familiar and reminded me so much of a younger Vinnie. The familiar, desperate longing in his eyes irked me, raising the hair on my arms in a train car that was otherwise warm and humid. But it was because of that familiarity that I succumbed to the urge to help him.
“You were never going to save him,” I said, reading the images of his overdose and premature death. “He was going to get his hands on the heroin, one way or another, and he was always going to die. Nothing