He put his guard down, loosening his hold on my neck, and I grasped at the chance to have the upper hand. I pulled away and shoved him back.
“I don't need your fuckin' help,” I fired at him. “I got this shit under control.”
Zach stared at me, breaking my heart with a glare that said he no longer recognized me. I was still his brother, the kid he’d grown up with, the guy he fucked up with, but he had changed since then and I was now a stranger. Someone that he used to know.
“You got it under control?” He shook his head, slapping a hand against his thigh, then gestured back toward the couch. “You call this under control? What the fuck happens when Jen finds out? Or, hey, what about Andy? What happens when your wife finds out about this?” And I guess my silence spoke volumes because he said, “Oh, so you’re doin’ it together. Well, that's just great.”
I wanted to remind him that he was once no better than me. I wanted him to remember how he'd use his mouth in exchange for a dime bag. I could still vividly recall guarding a door, with my back turned, while I listened to my brother use his body to score us some blow. I could've said all of this shit to him and done it in vivid detail. But I remained silent, afraid of how he'd reply, as I watched him push the hair out of his eyes and shake his head.
“I don't want you anywhere near me,” he said, as he backed out of the living room.
He felt it, that old, nagging itch, and I knew I could've persuaded him to stay. But I didn't have it in me to tear him down, too. Not when he had a kid on the way. He was better than this. He was better than me.
“Do you understand me, Vinnie?”
I snapped my eyes to his and said, “You don't want me near you, I get it.”
“No. I don't think you do. As long as you're doin' this shit, I want nothing to do with you. You won't come to my house. You won't come near my kid. You get me?”
My brows drew together and I saw red. “Wait, what the fuck? You're writing me off?”
He thrust his hands into his hair, gripping the strands between his fingers. “I've been down this fuckin' road before, Vinnie! I know where it goes. And if you're around and you're doin' this shit, I don't trust myself to stay away from it, and I can't do that. I won't.”
“So, you're punishin' me for being weak? You're weak, too, asshole!”
“Yes! I am! And that's why I gotta stay far, far away from you. 'Cause you might wanna throw your life away, you might not give a fuck, but I like the shit I have goin' on, and I don't wanna lose it.”
“Oh, how fuckin' nice for you,” I spat, cutting my hand through the air. “You and your perfect life. What a goddamn success story,” I snickered bitterly, shaking my head. “I'd hate for you to lose your nice, big house or your cushy job or—”
“Or you!” he yelled over me, bringing his fist down on the dining table. “You fuckin' idiot, I don't wanna watch you die!”
His voice caught in his throat and his eyes dropped to stare at the floor. And I had nothing to say, to reassure him that I wasn't going to die, because, the truth is, I'd been lying to Andy. I knew that, if I didn't stop this now, I wouldn't see the other side of it. I wasn't going to be okay. I knew this, and Zach knew it, too. But Andy didn't. She didn't want to see the truth that she too was barreling toward the end at lightning speed. That’s why she so easily believed my bullshit.
Turns out I'm a pretty good liar after all.
The apartment fell thick with silence. Zach rubbed at the back of his neck, warding off the emotion that kept biting at his quivering bottom lip. And that broke my heart, that it was so hard for him to say goodbye.
“If you're ever ready to get help,” he finally said, his voice low and tight, “I want you to come to me. But until that point, you stay the hell away.”