Until, just as my palms began to sweat, he bent over.
“What the hell is this?”
I didn't want to look.
I had to look.
Turning, I saw him checking out the mirror and gift card still on the coffee table. It wasn't coke, and my heart calmed just a little. But Zach and I had walked that path together. He knew things, he saw things, and right now, he saw something.
Why the hell hadn't I tucked those away with everything else?
“I dunno,” I said, playing stupid. “Just some crap.”
“Some crap,” he mocked, picking the mirror up and inspecting it closely. “Some crap, huh?”
“Yeah.”
His glare turned on me as he held the mirror up. “Then, what the fuck is this shit, Vinnie?” he shouted.
“It's a fuckin' mirror, Zach,” I muttered sardonically, then swallowed as he licked a finger.
“So, this white shit all over it, is just dust, right? Nothin's gonna happen when I do this, right?” He swiped his wet fingertip along the reflective surface and I instinctively stepped forward. He raised a brow. “What?”
“N-Nothin',” I stammered. “Just, that's fuckin' gross.”
“It's just dust, though, right?” he challenged, before rubbing his fingertip against his gums, and I began to pray.
First, I prayed it really was dust. I prayed he'd feel like an asshole and leave. But then, as his lip began to curl and his head began to shake, I prayed that he'd take it easy on me. I prayed he'd realize that I'm not him, and that I'm not strong. That I'm not able to just break free from the demons that still have me shackled to their bed.
“Zach, listen—”
“Shut the fuck up.”
My lips pressed together, before I tried again. “Zach, you gotta—”
I was interrupted by a whistling sound passing my ear, as the mirror flew by, and then shattered on the wall behind me.
“Where the fuck is it?”
I shook my head. “W-What—”
“Do not play stupid with me, you fuckin' asshole. Don't you fuckin' dare play stupid,” he said, stepping forward and pointing his stern finger at my face. “Now, tell me where the fuck it is before I tear this place apart.”
“I-I don't—”
Hard knuckles met soft flesh with a sickening thwack as Zach's fist came in contact with my cheek. A blinding throb began only seconds after impact, along with a sharp sting and trickling heat. Stunned, I brought my hand to my face and came away with blood.
“Where is it, Vinnie?” he asked again in a frighteningly calm tone. But when I didn't answer, he just snickered. “Fine. Don't tell me. I'll find it myself.”
The pain in my face was nothing compared to the shame I felt, as I watched my older brother head straight toward the couch. He never needed to hunt for it. He just wanted to hear it from me, and I’d failed him, again. He tore the cushions away, revealing the bags of coke. And I wondered then, as he stood over the pile, chest puffed and heaving with anger, if he felt the temptation at all. If his own little devil had come out of hibernation at the kiss of blow numbing his gums.
I took a timid step closer and said, “You can do some, if you want.”
Zach squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shut up, Vin.”
“Seriously,” I said in a rush, hurrying to the couch and picking one of the bags up. “I'll cut some lines. I can—”
I choked on the words as my back was slammed against the wall. My eyes closed against the impact as the air was thrust from my lungs. When I opened them again, I saw the face of my big brother, red-cheeked and fiery-eyed.
“What the fuck happened to you, man?” he asked. “We were good, Vinnie. We were clean. So, what the fuck happened?”
I couldn't run from this. I couldn't hide. He had me cornered, with his hands at my collar, and for once, I decided to tell someone the truth.
“I couldn't do it anymore,” I admitted quietly, dropping my gaze to his fists, gripping my t-shirt. “I-I couldn't fuckin' stand bein' alone.”
“You could've said somethin'!” he shouted, thrusting my back against the wall once more. “Goddamn, Vinnie, you were supposed to say somethin'!”
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling, shaking my head and fighting the emotion as it clogged my throat and bit at my nose. “Yeah, okay,” I snickered, “and then what? Get in the middle of the shit you got goin' on with Greyson and Jen? Or make you miss work and