you've already guessed, I’m lying through my tears, there were never going to be any more babies, I made sure of that many years ago. I was terrified enough to have one. I weep on Jess about the babies we were hoping to have, it’s my chance to garner some much needed sympathy and I steal a look at Luke, my eyes pleading for him to do something, to sort this mess out but do you know what he says? Oh, not when Jess is around, he waits till she's gone to the kitchen to get me some water. I sit gulping and trying to be brave and wishing Jess would hurry up, because I can feel the appraisal of his gaze. I can feel the simmering dislike crossing the room and I know I'm not imagining it, I've never been imagining it, but he confirms his loathing now.
‘Bravo, Lucy!’ I look up and his face is as cold and as hard as granite, his grey eyes as cold as sleet. I can't believe he would say that, that he could insinuate that I’m putting it on, even though I am, well just a little bit. He doesn't know what I’m going through, he doesn't know what I came home to find, he doesn't know the shit hole my marriage was. I deserve the bloody house for what I put up with. But more than that, so much more than that, I cannot believe that he would speak to a woman like that on the day before her husband's funeral.
Bastard!
I don't say it, I let my eyes do the talking, yet I regret that too because the savage look I give him pays into his theory. He gives a brief smirk as Jess comes back and I remember again that he hates me.
Then I remember something else.
My face starts to burn, because of course Luke would know that he’d had a vasectomy.
Luke had driven him home afterwards.
Shit!
‘What’s wrong?’ I see Charlotte pinched face at the door.
‘Nothing is wrong,’ I say, which is a stupid answer – I should have just said I was missing her dad. ‘Go back to bed, Charlotte. You’ve got a big day tomorrow’
‘I want a drink.’
‘Get a drink and then go back to bed.’ I just can't deal with Charlotte right now. I just want to go to sleep and for it to be the day after tomorrow. I want this nightmare to stop and to just wake up and for none of it to have happened, but Charlotte isn’t going to bed easily tonight.
‘Can I just check Facebook?’ She's over at the computer. ‘Please. All my friends are in-boxing me to say good luck for tomorrow.’ I’m too weary to argue and so I let her.
I close my eyes as she reels off all her messages and I murmur, “that’s kind”, or “that’s nice,” and then she tells me that ‘Daniel’s starving.’
Daniel is Eleanor’s son. Charlotte messages him back and then laughs when she gets a response. ‘They’re at Gloria’s and it’s chaos and no-one’s made dinner…’
I hate Facebook, there’s just too much information on it, if you ask me. As if I want to know what’s going on at Gloria’s house. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.
‘Mum!’ I hear an excited squeal from the computer and I open my eyes. ‘She’s called Daisy - they chose my name! Daisy Lydia Jameson. She's got the same surname as me!’
‘Jameson?’ Luke frowns.
‘She's not Noel’s,’ I tell him. Clearly it’s all out in the public now.
God, what a mess.
Luke and Jess say goodnight. Jess gives me a cuddle and Luke does what he always does – jiggles his keys and gives me a nod. ‘We’ll be round at eight,’ he says.
‘Eight?’ The funeral is not until twelve.
But he doesn’t elaborate, just jiggles his keys again as Jess gives me another cuddle. I put Charlotte to bed and thankfully she falls asleep, happy now, that she thinks she's named a baby. I try to sleep but I’m too wired, and about midnight I wander downstairs and sit at the computer. Normally, Charlotte’s paranoid about logging out, but she hasn't tonight. I can't help but go on and have a little peek. Sure enough Facebook wars are breaking out between Noel’s family and the Jamesons.
And then a little window pops up.
Go to bed!
I blink. What the hell is Luke doing messaging me?