life that lies within it. I wish he could have seen her be a bridesmaid, I wish he could see how much better we are all getting on.
It will be his anniversary soon.
Then I do my Buffy thing and I pull out my hands, because sometimes I have these horrible thoughts, about soil and him and I don’t think it’s normal.
The grief counsellor says that it is.
I think she has to say that.
I walk inside and I wash my hands and have a drink of cool water and then I go and have a shower and put on my bathrobe. I can hear Charlotte chatting away on Skype as she often is. She’ll be on it forever tonight sharing her good news.
And then I glance over and it’s not Felicity’s cold blue eyes, nor is it any of her more regular friends.
There are dark green eyes right up at the screen and a mouth wide open that’s drooling and trying to kiss what’s on the other side. How can you not smile at that?
‘Hi Daisy!’ I blow her a kiss but then Daisy sits down and I find myself face to face with Gloria. Only then do I realise that she must have seen me, dressed in my dressing gown, with my hair all wet and blowing kisses to Daisy.
God I hate Skype, I really do.
‘Oh, hi Gloria!’
‘Hi, Lucy,’ she says. ‘I’m assuming you’ve heard the news.’
‘The whole of the street heard the news,’ I say. ‘It’s lovely, thank you.’ I look to Charlotte. ‘I hope you said thank you to Alice.’
Charlotte goes red, so I roll my eyes.
‘I was just talking to Alice,’ Gloria says. ‘And then afterwards I spoke to Eleanor.’ My heart goes very still. ‘We all agree that it would be lovely if you came to the church.’
‘I’d love to,’ I say as my heart flutters in panic, I can hardly tell her the problem with Noel. ‘But the thing is…’
‘Then that’s fine then.’ Gloria says and she snaps me out of my panic and I remember that she knows. ‘Lucy, it will be fine.’
And if Gloria says that it’s fine, then it must be.
CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE
‘I haven’t seen you for a while.’ Denise says.
‘I’ve been busy.’
‘You don’t need to explain. Just come and see me when you feel it might help.’
It’s good to know that she’s there.
‘How’s Charlotte?’ Denise asks.
‘Doing well,’ I smile as I say it. ‘She’s going to be a bridesmaid,’ I tell Denise. ‘And she’s got a new puppy. She has her moments.’
‘That’s good,’ Denise says. ‘That you recognise that she has her moments.’
I nod, because otherwise Charlotte would be having her moments without me.
We talk about how well I’m doing, that I’m off my medication now, and no, I’m not dancing naked in the street or having random sex with the postman.
‘I feel guilty though,’ I say and then I roll my eyes at myself, because every one who enters this room must say that. ‘I feel guilty that I’ve sat in this room and I trashed him so many times. He did an awful lot of bad things and there were some terrible times but I never told you how funny he was, how kind he could be.’ I’m starting to cry. ‘How good he was with Charlotte.’
‘And?’ Denise prompts but I just sit there. ‘And?’ She asks again.
‘How good he was with me at times.’ I sit there still for a very long time, I don’t cry, I just sit there and I remember some of the good times.
I really don’t understand. By all accounts we had a terrible marriage, he cheated all the time and my perfect life was actually a mess, I was falling apart at the seams.
I just don’t understand how I can suddenly decide now that I loved him, I tell Denise and I tell her a bit more of the truth.
‘I was thinking of having an affair.’
I remember driving around with no knickers on and a mug in my bag and I was so cross, so, so cross and I wanted someone who wanted me.
I frown as I try to remember how I felt. ‘I hadn’t really thought about it, I hadn’t properly thought about it, but I was holding back on him. I wasn’t telling him things and he knew it. He told a very close friend that he thought I was, but I wasn’t. I think I was…’ I don’t know the words.
‘Preparing to leave?’ Denise offers and I nod, but then