long library table and remove the box from the folder. I put it under my arm.
I nearly slap the door into Thomas, who is looking up at the tall building, trying to ascertain whether he is in the correct place. Billie has climbed down from Adaline’s hip, but is still holding her hand.
“Sorry,” I say quickly. “I hope you weren’t waiting long.”
“How’d it go?” he asks. He puts his hands in his pockets.
“Fine,” I say, bending to give Billie a kiss. “How about you?”
“We had a good time,” Adaline says. She seems slightly flushed.
“We found a park with swings, and we had an ice-cream cone.”
She looks down at Billie as if for confirmation.
“Where’s Rich?” I ask.
“He’s buying lobsters for supper,” Thomas says quickly, again glancing at his watch. “We’re supposed to meet him. Right now, as a matter of fact. What’s that you’ve got there?”
“This?” I say, holding out the box. “Just something they lent me at the Athenaeum?”
“Useful?”
“I hope so.”
We walk four abreast along the sidewalk. I am aware of a settling of spirits, a lessening of exuberance. Adaline is quiet. She holds Billie’s hand. That seems odd to me, as if she were unwilling to relinquish the tiny hand, even in my presence.
Rich is standing on the sidewalk and cradling two large paper bags. His eyes are hidden behind dark glasses.
We set off for the dock. The sky is clear, but the breeze is strong.
Rich and Adaline go ahead to prepare the Zodiac and to get the life jacket for Billie. I stand beside my daughter. Her hair whips across her face, and she tries unsuccessfully to hold it with her hands.
Thomas is staring into the harbor.
Thomas, I say.
Billie was six weeks old when she began to cough. I was bathing her in preparation for an appointment with the pediatrician, when I observed her — as I had not been able to when she was dressed — engaged in an awful kind of struggle. Her abdomen deflated at every pull for air, like an oxygen bladder on a pilot’s mask. I picked Billie up and took her into Thomas’s study. He glanced up at me, surprised at this rare intrusion. He had his glasses on, and his fingers were stained with navy ink. In front of him were white lined pages with unintelligible words son them.
“Look at this,” I said, laying Billie on top of the desk.
Together we watched the alarming phenomenon of the inflating and deflating chest.
“Shit,” Thomas said. “Did you call the doctor?’
“I called because of the cough. I have an appointment at ten-thirty.”
“I’m calling 911.”
“You think -?”
“She can’t breathe,” said Thomas.
The ambulance driver would not let me travel with Billie. Too much equipment was needed; too much attention. They were working on her even as they closed the door. I thought: What if she dies, and I’m not there?
We followed in our car, Thomas cursing and gesturing at anyone who attempted to cut us off. I had never seen him so angry. The ambulance stopped at the emergency ward of the hospital in which Billie had been born.
“Jesus Christ,” said Thomas. “We just got out of here.”
In the emergency room, Billie was stripped naked and put into a metal coverless box that later Thomas and I would agree looked like a coffin. Of course, Billie was freezing, and she began to howl. I begged the attending physician to let me pick her up and nurse her to calm her. Surely the crying couldn’t be good for the coughing and the breathing? But the young doctor told me that I was now a danger to my daughter, that I could no longer nurse her, that she had to be fed intravenously and pumped with antibiotics. He spoke to me as though I had been given an important assignment and had blown it.
Billie was hooked up to dozens of tubes and wires. She cried until she couldn’t catch her breath. I couldn’t bear her suffering one second longer, and when the doctor left to see to someone else, I picked her up, wrapping the folds of my quilted jacket around her, not feeding her, but holding her to my breast. Immediately, she stopped crying and rooted around for my nipple. Thomas looked at us with an expression of tenderness and fear I had never seen on his face before.
Billie had pneumonia. For hours, Thomas and I stood beside a plastic box that had become Billie’s bed, studying the bank of monitors that controlled and recorded her breathing,