We Are Totally Normal - Rahul Kanakia Page 0,34

weird? Avani treating you okay?

Mari: If by that you mean “is she telling me what to do?” Then yes. I’d be annoyed, but everybody else is getting it way worse.

Mari: It’s cool, though. I heard you’re the one who got me invited (but it’s a secret?). Thanks! Man, you and Avani and Pothan and Dave’s friend stuff is so complicated.

At that I looked up and shot a glare at Dave. “Dude,” I said.

“Hmm?”

“You told Mari that I set this up?

“No . . . ,” he said.

“She just told me you did.”

“Oh,” he said. “Yeah. I guess I must’ve.”

We drove in silence until Pothan got restless: the upholstery creaked as he pressed his knees against the back of my seat and pushed outward.

“So you and your girlfriend are gonna fuck tonight?” Pothan said.

“Umm . . . ,” I said. “It’s not like that.”

“I’m talking to the kid! Let me, let me, let me just talk, okay?”

Hen laughed. “You sound like Nandan now.”

“Oh my God, yeah. The repeating words: ‘And, and, and, and, and now I’ve got a pearl of wisdom for you.’”

The car laughed, and my face went red. Dave’s voice broke through. “I don’t think so. But it’s not really a big deal.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Pothan said. “Of course it’s a big deal. I’m not trying to give you a hard time. I’m just wondering if you need, like, some advice on how to close.”

Dave’s eyes were fixed on the road. The car went fast around a heart-stopping turn, and my hand shot out to support me, but Pothan, wedged in, stayed cool and motionless.

“What kind of advice?” Dave said.

“Take your pick.” Pothan said. “I’m a full-service bro. First of all—” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a string of three condoms. Then he leaned forward and groped around on Dave’s chest before sliding the condoms into his shirt pocket. “Stay safe. You’re too young to be a daddy.”

This was only the beginning, and I was already tired of Pothan’s performance, but Hen laughed, and his hand waved like a conductor’s as he provided the transition line:

“And second of all?” Hen said.

“Wellllllllll,” Pothan said. “The major thing is that girls want you to take charge. So it’s this totally weird thing where neither of you explicitly talks about what’s going to happen. For instance, you almost always have to find a BS reason to maneuver her into someplace you can be alone.”

“I, uhh, we’re alone in my car all the time,” Dave said.

“Okay, okay, but there’s the problem, because you don’t know. Maybe she’ll be like, ‘Hey I need a ride home,’ and you’re like, ‘Oh, wink wink, a ride home,’ but it turns out she actually wants a ride home, and she feels really weird when you try something, and she just does it because shit’s so awkward. No. Bad move. Better if it is something where she can meet you halfway, like if she says, ‘Hey, I’m gonna crash here tonight,’ and you’re like, ‘Oh, let’s scope out the bedrooms. You know, just to check.’ And you get up, and, you’re like, ‘This bed looks soft and shit. Let’s test it out.’ That way she can always be like, ‘Err, no, why would I need you for that?’ Or if she’s not into it, you can leave, no problem. Because once you’re on the bed you think it’d be simple, but, oh no, it doesn’t stop being a game. Because then you’ve gotta be like, ‘Oh, how’s the party,’ and you creep closer. And she’s like, ‘It was cool,’ and she gets a little closer, and then you’re snuggling on the bed, and at some point you’re touching her all along her sides, all along her hips, then you’re kissing, right? But are we being honest yet? No. Uh-uh, because now you’ve gotta start taking off clothes, but you gotta be careful, because maybe she doesn’t want that now, so you go back to grinding on each other, but . . . after you do that . . . maybe she gets hot and changes her mind, but how do you know? You gotta try again, because she won’t do anything—”

“Pothan,” I said. “You’re gonna scare him. It does not need to be like that.”

“I don’t know,” Pothan said. “Just giving my experience.”

Hen put up his hands. “Hey, it’s all a mystery to me.”

“Relax,” I said. “If she wants it to happen, it will.”

“No,” Pothan said. “That is not correct advice. No girl wants to make a