beer. The way he laughed when he exposed himself to me. I’d only ever seen a penis in school textbooks before, and not hard. I now know he wasn’t very big, but at the time, I had been terrified by the size of him. He told me I had to suck him, but I told him I’d bite it off if he put it in my mouth.
He threatened me, and when that didn’t work he offered me ten pounds to do it. I screamed so loudly, his partially deaf wife heard. When she saw what was happening, she threw me out. No care for me, only jealousy that her fat, stinky husband wanted something from me. I hated her. I hated her so much that for years I had fantasies of punching her in her stupid moon face. I hated her more than I hated him because he was a piece of shit, but she’d seemed nice to me until that moment. In fact, until he did that, she seemed almost maternal, and I’d relaxed a little while staying there.
I hated her because she betrayed me. Konstantin isn’t the only one to be let down by people who should do better.
Shutting the door behind me, I flop onto the bed and cover my eyes. Why did I bring that particular moment up?
The door bursts open, and Konstantin fills the space.
“What the hell?” he says.
“Oh, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your man by bringing up my sordid past.”
“What?” He frowns. Then he sighs and comes to sit on the bed. “Cassie, I don’t care about that. I care about what the hell you said down there. Who did this to you?”
“Some guy I was fostered with. I didn’t do it, don’t worry. I’m not…dirty,” I say, my voice small.
He stares at me, and I see his jaw working. “You wouldn’t be dirty even if you had done it.” He looks away from me at the wall, thinking. “Cassie, you weren’t remotely to blame, you know that, right?”
“I know, but for some reason, and I know it makes no sense, it’s always left me with this sticky sense of shame I can’t wash off.”
“Come here.” He pulls me to him.
I climb onto his knee as he wraps me up in his arms. He kisses the top of my head, and I close my eyes. This is the best thing about him. The way he makes me feel so safe. It’s as if while I’m here in his arms, nothing and no one can touch me, not even the past.
“I feel the same way,” he says. “My father left me and my mother. He was a total piece of shit for doing that. I still feel embarrassed by it, though.”
“You do?” I pull away and look at him, surprised.
“Yeah, I do. I think the things we have happen to us when we’re young, they can leave a mark, you know? Like a stain on our souls we can’t get rid of. It’s why I think people who hurt kids are the lowest scum on earth.”
“Why, though, does it make us feel this way?” I ask, almost to myself, not expecting him to answer.
“Maybe because at that age we can’t process it properly, and we can’t act; we’re helpless.”
He kisses my forehead, and it’s the most affectionate thing he’s ever done, the way he does it. Soft, respectful, loving.
“Did he try to touch you again?” he asks.
“No, I screamed so loud his wife, Mrs. Renton, she heard and came to see what the fuss was. She was hard of hearing, and once she took her hearing aid out, she could only hear a little. I screamed at the top of my lungs, so she came.”
“And?”
“She threw me out. I had nowhere to go, so I spent the night in the shed at the bottom of their garden. The next day, I went to a call box and called my grandpa. He took me back to his house and he went crazy at social services. Said if anything happened again to Mum, I had to stay with them.”
“Why didn’t they let you stay with them in the first place?” he asks, clearly confused.
This is the bit I hate talking about, but I don’t think Konstantin will judge Grandpa badly.
I swallow and bury my head in his shoulder as I talk. “Grandpa had a criminal conviction on file. I could visit them, but not stay. He had served three months for GBH.”