what he’s lacking in equipment that makes it impossible for him to see what he’s doing to everybody around him. To realize what he’s doing to me. To care what he’s doing to us.
Instead, he just spins and spins in a constant circle.
So do I blame the rower, or do I blame the circumstances that stripped him of the second oar?
It was that question that finally calmed me down enough that I could think clearly. My anger was only making it easier for Ezra to drag me onto his battlefield, when I should have used my strength to end the battle entirely.
That was my fault.
My dereliction of duty.
My mistake for thinking I could take on the beast and fight the war his way.
It’s why I need to walk away from the situation entirely.
He’ll continue dragging me down and tearing me up, his form of violence far more insidious than anybody realizes.
The simple fact is that Ezra’s not only fighting everyone around him, he is also fighting himself, and that’s a battle he’ll never win, not until he can lay down his sword and accept that he’s been defeated.
William defeated him.
The abuse defeated him.
Not being able to protect his brother defeated him.
And even though he can walk away and learn to rebuild, he can’t forgive himself the defeat.
Violence, or destruction, is the first oar.
And forgiveness, or the ability to make things whole, is the one he doesn’t have.
So we circle, and we spiral, and we fall.
The long, deep, dark hole is never-ending.
I was smart to walk away after high school, but I can’t say I made the decision for purely noble reasons. And I certainly didn’t go about it the right way.
I betrayed the twins instead.
A lot of what I did can be blamed on immaturity...and cowardice. I was looking for the easy way out, a way to get the twins to walk away from me so I didn’t carry the guilt of the decision. It was selfish of me, and not well thought out.
One video caused it all. One sex tape. Proof that I was not only fucking both twins, but at the same time. It had been meant for fun, a joke that we’d keep it for when they left for college and missed each other.
I made sure it got in Hillary Cornish’s hands, knowing she’d spread it all over school out of jealousy and hate.
Unfortunately, what I didn’t expect was that she’d bring Paul Rollings into it, and that’s when everything went to hell.
I know.
Horrible idea.
Very poorly thought out.
But I was desperate and hurting...and inexperienced.
I thought if the video got out, my parents would, without doubt, hear about it, and I could blame lockdown on not being able to see or talk to them. That, or the twins would choose to leave on their own for fear of getting me into more trouble.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it happened.
I should have remembered just how protective they are.
Just how angry.
Just how violent.
What’s sad is I already walked away from them once for their tendency to handle problems with their fists first. If it wasn’t for Ivy convincing me to give them another chance, the incident with the video would never have happened. I knew how they were, yet I’d taken that route regardless.
The scar on my shoulder has always been a reminder. And while it healed over the course of several months, I’d suffered the constant heartbreak of a ringing phone.
Needless to say, after the video got out and I became the biggest piece of gossip in the last week of school, rumors whispered about which student was spreading it around. Eventually, Paul was named.
I didn’t know that part since nobody really told me anything. I certainly didn’t think a party at Kevin Landry’s house was where it would all blow up in my face.
That night was already rough. Ivy sunk Gabriel’s car in the pool as her final stunt before the Inferno left for college.
Following that, everybody was wired or on edge. It was a few hours later that Paul showed up, the twins spotting him almost immediately.
They attacked before I knew what was going on, hurting him so badly that I felt the need to step in.
I ended up being shoved back so hard by Ezra that I fell through a window, the shattering glass tearing my shoulder open while other students were calling the police.
After the fight stopped, I admitted what I’d done. Partly because I was angry, but mostly from guilt.
The expressions on the twins’ faces