Vampires Never Get Old - Zoraida Cordova Page 0,32

have to lighten up. You’ll learn that a sense of humor will serve you well as you journey into your desi vampire afterlife. Just like it did when you were a regular ol’ human desi.

A galaxy far, far away.

Sigh. Need a moment to reminisce about young Luke Skywalker, our first white-boy crush, which persists even though he’s old and gray and we’re still unwrinkled beauties. A love like that never dies.

Sorry. Too easily distracted by visions of Luke taking us in his arms and swinging us across that giant chasm to escape advancing Stormtroopers.

Where were we? Right. We were just like you! We also wished our last human night had been spent at the Taj Lake Palace being showered with rose petals like a catered-to, overly soft tourist (who thinks they’re experiencing the “real India”) instead of shopping for a new lota for our nanni’s water closet. Not saying that’s exactly what we were doing. That’s just an example. But picking the perfect brass water vessel for personal hygiene is critically important. And someone has to buy them. You may feel invincible, but FYI, you still need a lota.

No matter. You’re immortal now! The world is your Koh-i-Noor (even if the British stole it). And of course you have questions, especially since your sire dumped you. He didn’t wait around to, oh, you know, take any personal accountability or explain himself or maybe even apologize for violating every rule of vamp-etiquette. The bastard.

We normally like to be organized about this sort of thing, but in our experience, there are immediate burning questions every baby vamp has, so let’s get a few out of the way to put your mind at ease:

Am I Dracula now? No, duh, that dude was pasty as hell. Your melanin doesn’t magically disappear because of vampirism.

Do I have to give up eating dosas and chaat because drinking blood is my only sustenance? Likely, but there’s still hope. [Click here to jump to What Should You Eat?]

Can I still live at home? Obviously. You’re what, seventeen? Eighteen? And you’re not married, right? So where else would you live? Are you trying to give your mother a heart attack? Well, another one? But don’t worry, your homestay is not forever. [SEE: Hamara Ghar: New Homes for New Vamps] Once you get your vamp legs under you, you can fly.

Can I fly? Only on commercial flights, but not suggested. Oh, wait, did you mean fly like Superman? No, obviously not—you became a vampire, not a Kryptonian.

Do I sparkle in the light? Seriously. No. The sun will kill you. Dead. Poof. Vanished. Stay out of it.

[We’re also here for your specific questions. Tap to chat.]

You might be cursing your lot in life right now, but no reason to despair; it’s not a tragedy. This isn’t Mother India. What do you mean you haven’t seen that movie? It’s a classic. No matter, you have all the time in the world to catch up on movies you’ve missed. Literally. Hello rewatch of all eighty-plus Shah Rukh Khan films. Treat yourself.

Anyway, we digress. (If you dare to call King Khan a mere digression.)

This handy pamphlet is your field guide, your road map, your cookbook. We are here to separate the myth from reality.

Vampires, zindabad!

WHO ARE WE?

We’re not trying to be existential here. Though, an overnight transformation into the “demonic” undead is nothing if not cause to have an extended discussion about the nature of existence, but there’s time for that later. Also, please note, we take umbrage at the use of the word demonic or demon. It’s marginalizing, belittling, and plain wrong. The West can keep their stratifying terminology; we come down 100 percent on the anti-species caste system side. For now, we’re going to live in the realm of the literal. Figuratively speaking.

Call us Gumnaam.

That’s right. Anonymous. But not that Anonymous. We won’t dox you. Unless you really, really deserve it. We’re a collective. Think of us as your cool aunties who are always ready to lend you a two-thousand rupee note. Except in this case, rupees are advice. We’re not actually going to give you any money. And we’re not technically your aunties. We’re actually teenagers, like you. But we’ve been teenagers for decades, some of us even longer, so our pop-culture references are sometimes off. Don’t criticize. One day you will be us.

And, no, not all desi vamps are teens. We sought you out. Every time a desi teen is sired, our VampersandTM (Connecting baby vamps to the community since