accident report forms. But you won't ever be needing to fill one of those out, right?"
Kern seemed to await a response to what surely was a rhetorical question. "Right," I said finally.
"Okay," Kern said. He strode toward the dispatch office, explaining that when reporting for work, you get a cab from either the dispatcher or one of the phone answerers, unless they are not yet giving out cabs. Then, you are put on the waiting list.
A dispatcher sat in front of a glowing green monitor. He stared intently at the half-dozen slips of paper that lay on the table before him, head cradled in his hands. "Nothing works," he said. I was unsure whether he was talking to a driver or to himself.
I followed Kern around to the other side of the table where the phone answerer sat drumming her fingers on the tabletop next to the phone. "Ready for a sled?" the wispy young woman asked.
"A sled for two," Kern replied. "Nothing too nice. Got a trainee tonight." He turned toward me. "Rookie drivers usually don't get to drive the nice cabs. But, hey, all cabs are good cabs. Yellow's my favorite color."
"Yeah, Kern," the woman said in a perfunctory tone, rolling her eyes, "and all calls are good calls."
"Al," Kern said, "this is Sharon, phone answererand dispatcher extraordinaire.Sharon , this is Al. The Count."
"Why do you call him the Count?"
We repeated the previously played game - Kern's game, but it seemed the height of rudeness to not play it as well. Besides, would a nickname not make me seem more "human" in the eyes of my fellow workers?
He plucked a key from the desk. "Sixty-six. You're going to like this one."
"Better not take that one,"Sharon protested. "Frank Nelson is working tonight, and he's got a real jones for that sled. Don't know why, it's a real piece of shit."
Kern rolled his eyes, dropped the key on the desk and picked up one in its place. "Seventy," he said.
Sharonnodded and rapidly punched the keyboard in front of her. "Seventy," she said, "another good cab for a trainee. Okay, you guys are logged and ready to go."
"Thank you," I said, then followed Kern into the parking lot as he went in search of our cab. "Always a problem, working later night shifts. Makes it hard to find your cab in the dark."
Harder for mere mortals, I thought, having already spotted the cab in the back corner of the lot. "Over there," I said, pointing toward the cab. Kern grunted with consternation.
He folded his tall frame behind the steering wheel and moved the bench seat nearly all the way back - he was a good head taller than me, and to think I was once considered tall - then immediately started the cab and turned on the heat. "This time of year, you gotta get the heat cranked right away. Cab's colder than shit when you first get in." He shivered. "We'll be using my waybill, officially that is, but I want you to keep track on your own, as if this was really your shift."
Kern showed me how to take beginning readings from the digital counter on the meter which kept a permanent record of total trips and units. The mileage reading came from the car's odometer.
"First thing you should do," Kern said, as we drove to the petrol pump, "is inspect the outside of your cab." We parked at the pump, and I followed Kern as he walked around the cab. "She's in good shape. No fresh dings or dents left by someone else for us to be blamed for."
There were plenty of imperfections on the body of this behemoth. "How can you tell if a dent is fresh?"
Kern chuckled. "Fresh dents don't got rust on 'em." He pointed at the petrol pump. "Now, this is our refueling, inspection and cleaning station. There's mirrors to check your lights. It's well lit here, so you can inspect your cab. We got wiper fluid, which you wanna make sure you got plenty of this time of year. Also, we got solvents for special cleaning in case someone pukes, pisses or shits in your cab."
"Charming," I said, suddenly thinking about the cab's rear-view mirror and trying to quickly conjure a contingency plan. My passengers would be able to look at the mirror and not see their driver!
"Now, we're ready to rock and roll," Kern said, after we had checked our supply of charge slips in the glove compartment, made sure headlights, tail