grabbed Judah’s hands with her own, warm and damp from milking. Her grip was ferocious. “Prove him wrong. Marry the Seneschal. Grit your teeth and give him a baby and make him buy you an estate in the country, and then live your life. Get away from here. Get away from Highfall.”
Judah’s throat hurt. Her eyes did, too. “I don’t know if I can.”
Elly didn’t release her hands or her gaze. The sheep moved to the manger and began to eat. Low, rhythmic chomping filled the stable. “I don’t know what Gavin’s doing to you,” Elly said finally, “but I know he’s doing something, and I know it’s bad. I can see it in the way he looks at you. Maybe he’s angry at me, and taking it out on you—”
“Elly, stop.” Judah was desperate.
“I don’t care what it is,” Elly said harshly. “I don’t know if I love Gavin or not, but if I do, it’s because I never had a choice. You, I love for your own sake. I want you to be happy, for your own sake.” Her voice grew thick, as if she was fighting back tears. “So you’ll have a guard. Guards can be bribed, or befriended. You could meet people, maybe even find your stableman. He probably left the city, but—oh, no, Jude, what? What’s wrong?”
Because Judah had yanked her hands back and was pressing them protectively to her chest. She felt cracked, suddenly. Unwhole. It was a cruel thing for Elly to say. Elly was never cruel. The two things could not reconcile in her head. “He’s dead,” she said. “They killed him.”
Elly’s brow furrowed. “No, they didn’t.”
The ground bucked under Judah’s feet. “What?”
“That was somebody else, some man from the midden yard who wouldn’t quit groping the kitchen maids. I felt bad about that, but—no, Jude. Firo helped us. I made Gavin have actual dinner with him, he hated it. Oh, gods, have you been thinking he was dead all this time?” She stared at Judah, baffled. “We got him out, Jude. Gavin said he told you.”
Judah pressed her hands closer to her body. “Gavin told me he was dead.”
Elly’s lips pressed together with cold fury, and all at once Judah knew the truth, and found herself filled with rage.
* * *
Back in the study. Gavin lay on the sofa, reading a book with an unmarked binding. When he saw her he sat upright in surprise, letting the book fall closed. “Is Darid dead?” she said, with no preamble.
“Who?”
“Darid!” Her voice was shaking. “The stableman. My stableman.”
“Oh.” His confusion vanished, replaced by a resigned impatience. “Him.”
“Him.” She was on the other side of the couch now. She didn’t remember walking around it. He stood up to meet her. If he hadn’t, she would have pulled him up by his throat. “Don’t lie to me, Gavin.”
“I don’t know why you’re bringing this up now.” His tone was cool. “He was executed. You know that. You know why, too.”
Lies and more lies. Enough. She grabbed his head in both of her hands and reached into him, deliberately. She hadn’t known she could do that, but it wasn’t hard, it was easy. He gasped. His shoulders snapped back and his eyelids fluttered. Maybe she was hurting him. She didn’t know. She didn’t care. The inside of his head was like a book and she ruffled the pages until she found what she wanted: his bedroom, pain, sun streaking in long knives to the floor. The cool white of his pillow. Elly’s voice, urgent. All blurry, all underwater. But there.
—we got him out, but Firo will expect something in return. Dinner, lunch—some sign of favor—
Gavin. I gave my blood to help her. Why should I do any more than that?
Elly. Because it is a good thing and you can do it and you will. For once in your life, you will not be selfish.
And worst of all was that Judah was on the inside of him, not the outside, and so she felt the resentment, the anger, the petty, unreasonable betrayal that cycled through Gavin’s mind. It wasn’t just the caning; Gavin felt as if Darid had tracked mud on Gavin’s favorite rug, or lamed his favorite horse. His. Judah was his. Just because he, himself, wasn’t fucking her—
She let go. She didn’t want to know any more. Gavin stumbled, put a hand to his head. Gagged once or twice, but didn’t vomit. When he managed to pull himself upright, his face was filled with defiance.