felt the weight of them pressing inside her like a sneeze or a laugh, and she’d known from the moment they’d left the parlor that she wouldn’t be able to keep them to herself.
“The Seneschal asked me to marry him,” she said.
Milk squirted sideways as the ewe’s teat slipped out of Elly’s hand. Hands still at the sheep’s udder, she gaped at Judah for a moment. Then suddenly, wryly, she laughed; took the ewe in hand again, and went back to work. “Well, that’s a surprise. Are you going to do it?”
“When I was eight years old, he held a hot coal to my foot.” And put me in the snow, and bled me. She didn’t know why the coal held precedence, except that its glow had been so bright and lovely, and Elban had burned her, too. “So, no. I don’t understand why all of their plans involve us marrying or not marrying, anyway. First Elban, and then Gavin, and now him.”
Elly’s mouth twitched. “You should marry Theron and upend everything.”
“At least Theron wouldn’t put me under constant guard.” Judah wanted to kick something, but everything around her—the bucket, the wagon, Elly’s stool—was scarce and valuable. Savagely, she said, “Do we exist only to be married?”
“I do. Or at least, I did. It was the justification of my entire existence.” Elly’s hands still worked at the sheep’s udder. “I hate to say it, Jude, but...hot coal aside, it’s not a bad idea.”
Judah let that sink in. Finally, she said, “He hinted that the Nali chieftain could break the bond, but...if I can keep that from happening, and I marry him, he won’t kill Gavin. Which means he probably won’t kill the rest of you, either.”
“That has nothing to do with why I think it’s a good idea.”
“Should I not take into account the fact that you might be executed?”
“Oh, please. As if I haven’t known since I came here, practically, that there was a better than average chance of that happening.” Elly’s hands flexed and pulled, flexed and pulled. Milk squirted angrily into the pail. “Gavin’s grandmother was hung in the kitchen yard because the courtiers stopped liking her. I’ve read her diary, you know. The last entry says, Thank the gods this is almost over.” She shook her head. “I’ve read all of their diaries, the Ladies. The ones that weren’t callous and stupid were miserable, to a one. I might be cold and half-starved and constantly on the verge of execution, but I’d rather live this life for six months than that life for sixty years.”
“This is your argument for getting married?” Judah said.
“No.” Elly’s dress was patched and now she was the one wearing a pair of Theron’s old boots; her hair was pulled into a no-nonsense braid that hung down her back. She had never used much cosmetic but even the pale pink lacquer she’d once painted on her nails was gone. Nor did she bother with the gliding gait she’d been trained to use, which was meant to look effortless but took so much time and practice to perfect. The Lady’s head was supposed to float above her shoulders. The Lady’s face should be a careful mask, so perfect and unchanging that it might as well have been made of porcelain and tied behind her ears every morning. When Judah thought of Elly now, she thought of work, unending chores and ceaseless, grueling effort. Somehow she had missed that Elly, even hungry and overworked, was more naturally herself now than she had ever been. “No,” Elly said again. “My argument for getting married is this: get out of here. Get that chieftain to break the bond and go far away. Get away from Gavin. He has a good heart, but he’ll never stand on his own when he can stand on you.”
“He’s not standing on me.” But the words seemed small in the growing gloom. They sounded like a lie.
Elly stood up. The ewe bleated. “Yes,” she said. “He is. My mother sent me away forever to get me away from my brothers. And Gavin isn’t dangerous or loathsome the way they were, but I’d happily send you away forever if it meant you’d be free of him. He’ll never deliberately hurt you, and he’ll be sorry when it happens, but he’ll hurt you all the same, and he’ll keep on hurting you, because somewhere deep inside where he doesn’t have to look at it, he thinks you can’t walk away from him.” She