The cool damp thing came away. “Have you ever been out in the city?”
“No.”
“Lord Elban is not beloved there,” he said. “You are.”
“Until they come inside, and everyone tells them I’m a witch.”
“Well,” he said, and then again. “Well. You’re not like them. They sense that. This is just salve. It shouldn’t hurt.” His fingers moved across her back in long straight lines. The touch only stung a little. “The Seneschal said I don’t need to explain this, but I’m going to anyway. While you were unconscious, I gave you an elixir that would end a pregnancy, if one existed. It...did what it was supposed to do.”
Darid was dead. It was her fault.
“If you were pregnant, it was too early to tell. But you bled more than I liked, and you had a seizure. Only a small one.” As if that helped. “I’m sorry. I wanted to wait, and see if it was even necessary, but the Seneschal—wouldn’t wait.” He sounded pained, almost embarrassed. “You can still have children. I’m as sure as I can be about that.”
“I don’t want children.”
“You might change your mind.”
“No. I was born, once, and look how I ended up. Look how—” Her mouth snapped shut. She had been about to say, Look how my mother ended up, and it was the first time she’d thought of her mother since awakening, and the anger and grief slid back onto her with the weight of the entire House.
“I think the bleeding has stopped,” he said very gently. “But I need to check again.”
Again. He had done this before, while she was unconscious. The idea disturbed her, but what was the point of arguing? What was the point of anything?
“Roll onto your side, please,” he said. “I will be as quick as I can.”
He was true to his word. Where Arkady had been crude and gleeful, this magus was quiet and efficient. She even thought his hands might be shaking, but she felt so thoroughly dulled that she trusted nothing her body told her except the pain in her back. When he was done he said everything seemed fine and he would check on her back again soon. Then he left. As soon as he opened the door Elly burst through it, hurried to Judah’s side and kissed her forehead.
“I wanted to come in with the magus, but the Seneschal wouldn’t let me. I thought it would be okay, anyway. He’s not like Arkady.” Her voice was low, but her words tumbled all over each other on their way out of her mouth. Her blue eyes were wide and anxious. “It was okay, wasn’t it?”
Judah wanted to reassure her, but she could not seem to do it. “I’m not pregnant.”
“I know. Thank the gods, neither am I.” Elly stood up and began poking through the wardrobe. Finally, she held up a white cotton nightgown. “This is loose. It shouldn’t hurt you. Lords, Jude, what did I say?” Because Judah’s eyes were filling with tears again. Judah could see Elly, eyes wide and startled, running through the past few seconds in her mind. Then her face crumpled. “Oh, no. I’m so stupid. I’m sorry. They’ve just been—well, never mind. I’m sorry, that’s all. Please forgive me.”
Judah nodded. She swiped angrily at the tears, tried to sit up and failed. The motion made her sick to her stomach and her back howled.
“Let me help you,” Elly said, and she did. Neither of them spoke. The dressing process drained what little energy Judah had and her back protested every movement, no matter how small. When she finally lay down on her stomach again, queasy and damp with sweat, Elly crawled into bed next to her and took her hand.
“Jude.” Her voice was gentle, almost a whisper. “Did Gavin tell you about—the person we’re not supposed to mention?”
Judah nodded. Relief filled Elly’s face, but only for an instant, because Judah was crying again. She didn’t seem to be able to control it.
“Oh,” Elly said. “Judah, my love, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this.”
“You were there,” Judah said. “You were with me.”
“I will always be there.” Elly was crying, too. Her words were choked but fierce. “I will always be with you.”
* * *
After another day in bed Judah was able to stand up and hobble around the room; the day after that she made it out into the parlor, and sat gingerly in her chair. By the time she could twist her head