and longing. “You could have love, a family…”
His expression hardens. “My father was an abuser, which means I’ll likely be one too. I don’t know if that capability is in me. Perhaps it’s not, but I’m not willing to find out.”
“You’re not an abuser. I’ve been with you; I’ve seen how you are with the people you care about. I’ve seen how you are with me, with Ollie.”
“I have my share of dark thoughts. Possibly more than my share—”
“Of thoughts? Everyone has thoughts, Spencer. I have thoughts of wanting to kill Ozzy for threatening my friend, for menacing me, for ruining his little boy’s life. Today I actually fantasized throwing that box in Elliot’s stupid face.”
His chin lifts, and he exhales a little ah. “That was Elliot. Good to know.”
“My point is, thoughts aren’t actions. You would never hurt me.”
“Perhaps. I’ve never allowed myself to be in a situation I couldn’t control.”
The tone in his voice sends a tingle through my stomach, and I’m ready to fight for this man.
“You wouldn’t. The beast never hurt Beauty. Hades worshipped Persephone—”
A grim smile curls his full lips. He pushes the dark hair off his brow and stands slowly. “It’s a good analogy. I know the darkness in myself, what I can be, what I’ve wanted to do. I’m not capable of a normal life.”
“How would you know if you never let yourself try?” Pushing off the floor, I stand beside him, holding his arm.
“I know.” He pats my hand. “Goodnight, Joselyn.”
My jaw drops as he crosses the room to the stairs, climbing slowly to his suite alone. I watch him disappear into the darkness, like he’s done every night we’ve been here.
So respectful.
So distant.
So cold.
Only, I understand now, and he’s dead wrong if he thinks I’m giving up on him, especially now that I know what I’m fighting against.
Chapter 26
Spencer
Having them here is not how I thought it would be.
Of course, that’s assuming I thought it through before I took one look at Joselyn’s battered face and lost my shit.
It was an impulsive decision, and now her presence one floor down, one bedroom below mine, is a constant temptation. At the same time, Oliver is a constant reminder.
He’s a tiny skeleton key slipping in and unlocking a lifetime’s worth of memories. I’ve felt everything he’s feeling. I’m well acquainted with all of his fears. I faced the dread he’s struggling with, only he’s in the very early stages of figuring out what it means, how his future will go.
I know where that lonely road leads. I know the questions he’s asking himself. In my case, I never had anyone to show me what real love and sacrifice could look like. I went from a home where my mother chose a monster over me and herself.
Then I lived with a bitter old man, a different type of monster, who clutched his valuables to himself like they would keep him alive.
Oliver won’t be like me. He has his mother and Joselyn to show him love and teach him a different way to live.
Stopping at the credenza, I brace my hands on the countertop and grip the wood. My shoulders are tense, and I drop my head, exhaling heavily. Not only did I revisit Daniel, I revisited Drake. My two dads, both with names starting with the letter D like some sick joke.
In those days, I had hope like Oliver. When the woman from the state introduced me to my foster dad, I thought I was going to be like one of those children in the C.S. Lewis stories.
Drake was an old professor type with a gray beard and disheveled gray hair. He pointed a long, crooked finger at me like I was a Limoges or a Qing dynasty vase.
He picked me out like he picked out all of his possessions, after much careful analysis and research. He ascertained I was intelligent and quiet. He taught me everything he knew, then he died.
He left me richer, and more broken than he ever was.
“You’re not broken, you’re only badly bruised.” Her soft voice lights my entire body like the touch of a spark.
Joselyn is beside me, sliding her hand over mine, gripping my wrist as her body draws closer to mine.
“What are you doing here?” My voice is rough.
“I’m here for you.” Slim fingers thread in the back of my hair, and my eyes slide closed.
“Joselyn…” It’s half whisper, half groan. “I said I would respect your boundaries.”
“You said you wouldn’t kiss me again unless I