that was truly who you were, I would have shut you out. But for some reason, in some version of the future, I let you in. I let you get close to me. Right? That proves to me that there is good in you.”
I considered it for a moment. “Maybe in that version of the future, you were stupid. Maybe you kept trying to convince yourself there was good in me, even though there wasn’t. I’ve done really stupid things in some of my futures. I know how to freebase coke,” I said, thinking of my short life in Vegas, married to the stripper. “That’s pretty stupid.”
She shook her head. “I know you’re pushing me away just because you’re trying to protect me. That’s a noble, good thing.”
I just stood there, unable to meet her eyes. Unable to meet the eyes of the one person on this earth who knew me better than I knew myself.
“And so your vision says we are going to be in a car accident. If that can’t change, if we are doomed to this future, then how can you know me so well? Maybe because we don’t die in it. Or maybe because that future isn’t set. Maybe seeing two different versions of the future. You just need to pick the right one. The one that doesn’t end in tragedy.”
It’s obvious she’d put a lot of thought into it, and she was probably right.
“All I am saying is that you don’t have to shut me out completely.”
“That would be taking a chance.” I swallowed and looked away. “I’m sick of taking chances.”
“But I’m not,” she said, looking over her shoulder. “Look. You said that touching me made you feel normal. Right?”
I sighed. “It’s a joke. I’m not normal.”
She frowned and started to speak again, but thankfully, just then, a car horn blared. She looked behind her nervously. “I do have to go.”
“So, go,” I said, surprised at how gruff I could be. I wondered if it would be the last time I’d ever see her. If so, I wouldn’t blame her. That would be the smart thing to do.
But that would kill me. In other ways.
She turned and walked back down the path, her head lowered. I felt this weird sense of dread in the pit of my stomach, like a hole inside of me gaping open. I reached down to pick up the wicker basket and when I stood up, I saw a car speeding away from the house, a red convertible. Sphincter’s Mustang. Two blond heads, a his and a hers, poked out from the front seat. Sphincter and Taryn. Taryn and Sphincter. No, he didn’t have his arm around her and her head wasn’t nestled on his shoulder, but in my mind, as soon as the car turned the next corner, it would be.
That wasn’t the future. That was just me.
Being paranoid.
Being a sucker.
Watching the best thing I’d ever had, in any of my lifetimes, moving farther and farther away.
When I got back upstairs, the hole in the pit of my stomach had grown to a canyon. That would have happened anyway after hanging rows of silky underpants on the line, but I felt even worse because of Taryn. Sphincter was parading around with my girl, and I was hanging my mom’s and grandmother’s underclothes. Something was wrong with this picture. I started thinking there was no way that what I saw with Taryn—me kissing her, being with her—could be real. After all, she had Sphincter, who was, looking at the way hot girls hung on his every word, the highest goal one could aspire to in the game of love. She had Mount Everest. I was just irrevocably and unequivocally too lame for her. The Grand Canyon of Lame.
I guess it must have registered on my face, because Nan took the wicker basket from me and tried to knead my shoulder with her good hand. I pulled away from her. I didn’t want anyone to touch me.
“Why are you two so upset?” she asked. “Your mother didn’t eat any of her breakfast, and you’re walking around with the biggest scowl on your face, you’d think someone peed in your lemonade.”
I started to open my mouth, but then I remembered how Nan felt about me revealing the future. “Forget it. Has to do with my future.”
“Doesn’t it always? Something bad?”
“Pretty much the worst.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Car accident?”
“I think so.” Now I was surprised. “How did you know?”
“On the ride home from the