even when it’s what we need most to do.” It was Harvey talking.
Jacquie realized she hadn’t been listening.
“Getting fucked up seems like the only thing left to do,” Harvey went on. “It’s not the alcohol. There’s not some special relationship between Indians and alcohol. It’s just what’s cheap, available, legal. It’s what we have to go to when it seems like we have nothing else left. I did it too. For a long time. But I stopped telling the story I’d been telling myself, about how that was the only way, because of how hard I had it, and how hard I was, that story about self-medicating against the disease that was my life, my bad lot, history. When we see that the story is the way we live our lives, only then can we start to change, a day at a time. We try to help people like us, try to make the world around us a little better. It’s then that the story begins. I want to say here that I’m sorry for who I was.” Harvey looked up at Jacquie, who turned away from his gaze. “I get that shame too. The kind that’s made of more years than you know you have left to live. That shame that makes you wanna say fuck it and just go back to drinking as a means to an end. I’m sorry to all the people I hurt all that time I was too fucked up to see what I was doing. There’s no excuse. Apologies don’t even mean as much as just…just acknowledging that you fucked up, hurt people, and that you don’t wanna do that anymore. Not to yourself either. That’s sometimes the hardest part. So let’s close out tonight like we always do, but let’s be sure to listen to the prayer, and say it like we mean it. God, grant me the serenity…”
They were all saying it in unison. Jacquie wasn’t going to at first, but suddenly found that she was saying it with them. “And wisdom to know the difference,” she finished.
The room cleared out. Everyone but the two of them, Jacquie and Harvey.
Jacquie sat with her hands in a pile in her lap. She couldn’t move.
“Long time,” Harvey said.
“Yeah.”
“You know, I’m going back to Oakland this summer. In a couple months, actually, for the powwow, but also—”
“Is this supposed to go like we’re normal, fine, like old friends?”
“Did you not stay to talk?”
“I don’t know why I stayed yet.”
“I know you said what we did, what I did on Alcatraz, how you put her up for adoption. And I’m sorry for all that. I couldn’t have known. I just found out I have a son too. He got ahold of me through Facebook. He lives in—”
“What are you talking about?” Jacquie said, then stood up to leave.
“Can we start over?”
“I don’t give a shit about your son, or your life.”
“Is there any way to find out?”
“Find out what?”
“Our daughter.”
“Don’t call her that.”
“She might want to know.”
“It’ll be better for everyone if she doesn’t.”
“What about your grandsons?”
“Don’t.”
“We don’t have to keep doing this,” Harvey said, and took off his hat. He was bald on top. He stood up and put his hat on his chair.
“What are you gonna say to him?” Jacquie said.
“About what?”
“About where you been.”
“I didn’t know. Listen, Jacquie, I think you should think about coming back with me. To Oakland.”
“We don’t even know each other.”
“It’s a free ride. We’ll drive all day and then through the night ’til we get there.”
“You got all the answers then?”
“I wanna do something to help. There’s no way to take back what I done to you. But I gotta try.”
“How long you been sober?” Jacquie said.
“Since 1982.”
“Well shit.”
“Those boys need their grandma.”
“I don’t know. And you sure as hell don’t know a goddamned thing about my life.”
“We might be able to find her.”
“No.”
“There are ways of—”
“God, shut the fuck up. Stop acting like you know me, like we even have anything to say to each other, like we wanted to find each other, like we didn’t just—” Jacquie stopped herself, then stood up and walked out of the room.
Harvey caught up with her at the elevator.
“Jacquie, I’m sorry, please,” he said.
“Please what? I’m going now,” she said, and pushed the already lit call button.
“You don’t wanna be sorry about this later,” Harvey said. “You don’t want to keep going that same way you been going.”
“You can’t really think you’re gonna be the one