TAKE TWO_ Who says you can't ma - Heather M. Orgeron Page 0,84
that guy on The Price Is Right. “Just kidding, y’all. The winner gets an unlimited use six-month membership to that new automatic carwash place on Center Street.”
“Well that sucks,” my brother groans. “What the hell am I gonna do with that? I don’t even live here.”
“Give it to Liam…he paid for it. Or use it to woo Maria.” She shrugs. “You have options.”
“This one’s for you, Maria!” the idiot says, lining up for his bottle, his competitive drive renewed.
Pretty sure that woman is going to kick him in the junk before today is over with, and he will one hundred percent deserve it.
Once we’ve all been handed a bottle and checked to make sure they’re all filled to four ounces, the whistle is blown.
In case you were wondering, one does not simply chug from a baby bottle. My fucking jaw feels like it’s about to dislocate from the level of suction I’ve got to put on this thing to get the smallest stream going. The whole time all I can imagine is my little baby having to work this hard for a meal and wondering how the fuck this isn’t classified as child abuse.
“Oh, come on, boys, suck harder.”
That comment earns Hannah a room full of middle fingers.
“Almost there, baby. Oh yeah. Yeah. Just like that.” Nya is in my ear, egging me on. “You’re taking it like a champ.”
Beer sprays from my mouth, disqualifying me from the competition. “That was such a dick move.”
My wife smiles triumphantly. “I’ve been waiting all month to be able to say that.”
Dad and Carlos give up shortly after I blow my load. One by one, the other guys start dropping like flies, leaving only Chance and Cliff standing.
It’s been like five whole minutes, and, I’m not even kidding, their bottles are still half-full when all of a sudden Chance drains his in seconds.
“Done!” he shouts, slamming the little plastic bottle down on the countertop.
“What did you do?” Hannah is shook as she examines the mutilated nipple. “You ate it?”
He shrugs.
I shudder. “Keep your mouth away from my dick.”
“Not a problem.”
Hannah’s hands move to cup her breasts, her face still horrified. “I mean, I never thought I’d say this, but you might need to keep your mouth away from my titties!”
Chance laps his tongue in the air as he takes the gift certificate from his girl.
We split into girls and guys for the next few games, competing for a coupon book for either Nya or myself. This book is filled with handy little get-out-of-jail-free cards such as, “pass the poopy diaper,” “girls/guys night out,” “My turn to sleep in,” “full body massage,” etc.
First up: changing a baby doll blindfolded, where we have to remove the doll’s onesie and diaper, replacing them with new ones that are inside of a diaper bag. Bisabuela is seated at the opposite end of the table to determine when the job is done. The hardest part by far is lining up the snaps on the clothing properly. The girls win this one by a mile. My teammates suck.
Next, we play pin the sperm on the egg, some ridiculous game Hannah found online. There is no real skill required here, which is perfect for my crew. We end up taking this round.
The final game is Baby Shower Feud, played just like Family Feud, but with baby questions. Another little gem Hannah found online. She sits this one out, controlling the slides and projector since Bisabuela isn’t quite up to date with technology.
This one is a whole lot of fun for everyone. The questions are things like “What would you do to calm a crying baby?” And, “Name something you would find in a diaper bag.”
“All right ladies, this one is for the win. If you miss it and the guys steal, Nya loses out on that coupon book!” She moves her eyes slowly down the row of women seated on the couch, giving them a warning glare. “What do new parents miss most about their pre-baby lives?”
“Sleep!” Maria answers, earning the approval of her teammates when it comes up as the number one answer. No surprise there.
My mother is up next and practically bouncing out of her seat to give her answer. “Sex!”
“Ugh, Mom.” This shit right here is why these parties are usually not coed.
“Don’t you worry, honey… it comes back after they move out.” She gives me and Cliff a triumphant smirk, and I kinda wanna barf when Dad responds.