She looked out to sea where two gulls were mewing and screeching as her vision misted with tears. It was the calm before the storm. She had to tell him, get it out into the open and face the consequences. She returned her gaze to him and their eyes locked. ‘Well,’ she said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, ‘I did lose a baby. One baby. Only it was twins, Greg. The other survived.’
Greg slowly started to rock back, his eyes wide, and Maddie had to reach out and hold on to his arm to stop him falling. There was no pain like it, hurting someone you loved so much.
‘Twins. You mean… All these years, Maddie… Ed? Ed is—’
‘I thought you’d left me, remember, that you didn’t want anything to do with a baby, any baby. I didn’t know what my meddling mother had said. I never knew you’d come back the next day. She didn’t tell me. I was heartbroken, Greg.’ Maddie held on to his sleeve, as a sob left her.
‘But, Maddie, don’t you see?’
‘I’m so sorry, Greg.’
‘Sorry? You’re f-u-c-k-i-n-g sorry!’ He shook her hand off his sleeve. His anger made her recoil ‘Maddie, this changes everything. I never, ever thought you’d lie to me.’ There was the twitch – left eye. She hated herself. ‘That’s the one thing we did have between us that was so special. NO LIES!’ He was shouting, his eyes boring into her soul as she felt the tears trickle down her cheeks.
He stood for a moment with his hands in his pockets, staring at her as her heart thudded wildly in her chest. ‘You lied, Maddie,’ he whispered. Her desire to hold him was overwhelming. She reached out to touch him, but he flinched, moved his arm away quickly and scowled at her. Then he turned abruptly on his heel, and walked away, striding purposefully in the opposite direction, until all that was left of him was his footsteps etched in the wet sand.
The pain she felt as she pulled her coat tightly around her was close to physical. Then, her knees gave way and she fell, sobbing, onto the wet sand as Taffie came up to her and whined. She pulled him close and buried her head in his fur.
It was over.
47
When she got home she sat on the sofa and rocked herself backwards and forwards for the longest time, clutching a cushion, tears streaming down her face, until the daylight made way to a murky darkness. Eventually she got up and found two bottles of wine in the kitchen. She took them through to the lounge, opened them and made her way through them, watching ‘New Year around the world’, tears blurring her vision, Taffie curled up by her side on the sofa. Fireworks, interviews, bright lights and music swam before her in a kaleidoscope of colours and noise as the world cheered in a bright new year whilst Maddie drowned herself a sea of salty tears and wine.
The last thing she remembered from the evening was Ed texting her.
Happy New Year.
She’d burst out crying again when she’d read it. He hadn’t even called.
*
A few days later, she texted Lauren and lied, saying that she had flu. She really couldn’t face going into the café. She stayed in her room, flicking through an old photo album from university days, eyes streaming with tears. Her and Greg by the beach, her with Greg in a Santa hat, bright, shiny eyes full of hunger for the future. Where was that girl? She logged into Facebook and tried to look at Greg’s page. She couldn’t. All she could see was an old profile picture which she stared at for the longest time. He had cut her out of his life. Eventually, hunger got the better of her, and she made her way to the kitchen and started to eat, then watch TV. She sat all day, flicking between channels and eating what was left in the fridge. After three days she realised she stank – and Taffie needed some dog food. She took a shower and then forced herself out for a long walk on the beach with Taffie and home via the shops.
Once she was back at the cottage, sitting on the sofa with the terrier by her feet, she remembered her idea about the café. She leant over to the coffee table and yanked at the sketchpad