Maura was waiting in the foyer when he came down. The sight of her made him smile a little, at least. She was attractive in an athletic, fiercely intelligent way that she claimed most men found intimidating. Not Sean, though. He thought she was sexy and she thought she was good for him.
Her work ethic sure as hell was. When he’d moved back to the States he’d been adrift, gravitating toward more stupid mistakes like getting back on the tour. She and Derek had set him straight. He needed steadiness, a regular job, time to get back on his feet.
“You look wonderful,” she said with a warm smile.
He nodded distractedly and took out his keys. “I hate this.”
“Everybody hates this,” she assured him, then touched his cheek. The scratches had nearly healed. “I wish I’d known your brother better.”
“So do I.” As they drove to the church, Sean wondered why the two most important people in his life barely knew each other. He could always blame Maura’s work hours and Derek’s own busy career. Now it was too late and there was no one at all to blame.
“Is it weird, living at that house with that woman?”
Yes. “She just stayed the week. The kids need us both.”
“You’re speeding,” Maura pointed out as he headed up the state road toward the old part of town.
He eased his foot off the pedal and forced himself to relax his grip on the steering wheel. Maura rested her hand lightly on his shoulder until the pager on her cell phone went off. As she checked it and made a call, Sean felt his jaw going tight. She had done her best to get the day off, but with a job like hers, she could never be completely free.
When he turned into the church parking lot, he knew the day was rapidly getting worse. Red had warned him that the media would be here in force. There were, of course, the inevitable rumors circulating. What was a supposedly estranged couple doing out together, driving the coast road? Was foul play a factor? And what about reports that despite his success at golf, Derek Holloway had financial troubles?
News vans were already parked along the street and in the church lot, thick black cable snaking across the pavement. Sean drove directly to the rear door, surrendered his car to a waiting attendant; then he and Maura ducked inside to a small reception room behind the sanctuary.
He had no idea how to behave, how to be in charge of this. He shook hands with the minister and accepted his condolences; he went over last-minute details with the funeral director. He thought, with a weird sense of unreality, that the caskets he and Red had picked out were handsome and so shiny that the hard-polished surfaces reflected the framed photos and hundreds of flowers covering them. The caskets were closed, a small mercy, he supposed. At least Derek’s kids didn’t have to look at their parents’ empty faces.
Nothing felt concrete or had any substance. Sean had a peculiar sensation that he was about to drift away and disappear like the soft, nasal strains of organ music that haunted the church, along with the smell of gardenias and chrysanthemums. The grief counselor working with the family had warned him to expect feelings of detachment. Apparently this was a common sensation in people experiencing loss. There was nothing anchoring him to earth.
“Sean?” Maura’s soft voiced tugged at him.
“What’s that?”
“You’re a million miles away.”
“I’m right here.” He was still floating, but he didn’t tell her that. Derek wasn’t in the casket. He couldn’t be. His presence was too palpable. Sean could still hear the sound of his voice and was convinced that all he had to do was phone him, tell him the jig was up, this isn’t funny anymore and wasn’t in the first place.
“The doors are about to open. We’re supposed to wait with the director until five minutes before the ceremony. Are you sure you’re all right?”
The question came to him as though through a long, hollow tube. Are you sure you’re all right? Hell, no, he wasn’t sure. He had no idea how to do this, how to bury his brother and take care of three kids, but he heard himself tell Maura he was fine.
He paced the reception room, occasionally glancing at a video monitor showing the sanctuary. The doors were opened and people poured in. Mourners. One moment they were Derek’s friends; now they