at least have one thing to talk about on the drive back to my dorm.
"He brought some clothes by a little earlier so you'd have something to wear home."
"Oh, that's nice." I want to smile, but I don't have the energy.
"He's called to check on you multiple times every day." Her tone implies just how swoony she thinks that is.
Me, though? I'm not sure how I feel about it.
"So I've been told."
"You must be so excited to see him!"
"Ecstatic."
She smiles again. "I'll step out and let you get changed. I'm sure you don't want to wait any longer than you have to."
I grab the bag she left on the chair and dump it on the bed, inspecting the contents.
He grabbed all of the essentials, including my favorite sweatshirt. For some reason, the thought of him riffling through my panty drawer gives me pause. It's silly, given our level of physical intimacy, but still.
Five minutes later, Kelsey sticks her head back into the room. "He's here."
"Like, here-here?" I ask, tipping my head in her direction.
"Waiting right outside of the unit." She pushes the door all the way open. "Come on, I'll walk you out."
"Thanks."
Apprehension builds inside of me with every step toward the double-doors leading to my freedom. Or maybe it's seeing Sterling that has my heart rioting in my chest.
Either way, I guess I'm about to find out.
We pause in front of the doors, and Kelsey turns to me. "Take care of yourself, hun."
"I will. Thanks."
She nods. "Your discharge paperwork has a few options listed for continued treatment. I really hope you'll consider it."
My eyes burn, but I blink back the tears. "I will."
"Good. Glad to hear it." She presses the buzzer on the wall and the doors swing open.
My eyes land on Sterling immediately. He looks as nervous as I feel.
Deciding to offer an olive branch, I lift my hand in a silly wave. "Hey, Ster."
He's as still as a statue as he takes me in.
"So, you, um...you ready to take me home?"
At that, he springs into action. "Yeah. Yes." He steps forward as if he's going to reach for me, but draws up short, awkwardly stuffing his hands into his pockets. "Let's go."
There's this tension between us, an awkwardness. It's as if a rift the size of an ocean has suddenly opened, and we’re each standing on opposite sides.
"You look good, Ster," I say, biting my lip.
"Thanks."
I drop my eyes to my feet and move toward him as an awkward silence settles over us.
It's weird. Neither of us seem to know what to say or how to act.
Gone is the confident-to-the-point-of-cocky man I fell in love with and in his place is this unsure replica. He looks like my Sterling, but doesn't act like him. And I worry it's my fault.
"I parked out front."
"Great."
Neither of us speak again until we're a few miles down the road, when I say, "I want you to know, I realize you didn't have anything to do with...everything. I know that now."
"Really?" The hopeful edge in his voice flutters through my belly, but I tamp them down. I'm not ready to tackle the issue of us quite yet.
Lord knows, I need to work on me before I can even think about being a part of an us.
"Really.”
"There's a lot we need to talk about."
"Yeah." I glance his way, before returning my gaze to the curvy mountain road. "But can it maybe wait?"
From the corner of my eye, I see his fingers tighten around the steering wheel. "Yeah. Of course. Whenever you're ready."
"How is Stella? And Gabe and Zach?"
"They're okay. Good. Worried about you. But I've kept them in the loop."
"Thanks, I guess."
I hate this distance between us. I want so badly to reach over the console and take his hand in mine, to comfort him and to let him comfort me, but now I'm second-guessing every decision I make.
Plus who's to say he's even interested in me anymore? I can’t imagine he would be, not when he can have anyone.
Why on earth would he settle for me, especially now that he knows just how weak I really am?
A deep melancholy wraps itself around me. I'm so lost in my woe-is-me despair that I don't even notice we're parked outside of my dorm until he cuts the engine.
"Can I walk you up?”
"Sure, if that's what makes you happy."
I won't admit it out loud, but I'm secretly glad he's going to walk me. The last thing I want is to chance running into Melanie alone.