my head on the seat, as unsanitary as it is, feeling the coolness, knowing that in a little while I will feel better.
“Are you okay?” she asks, coming into the bathroom and stroking my back, and I think that even though I barely know this girl, I might actually love her.
“I’m so sorry,” I croak. “I’m so embarrassed. I can’t believe I did that.”
“First of all, I’m more than used to it. We all like a drink. Apart from Ellie, obviously. I’m really sorry for everything that she said. I guess we react to the drinking very differently. She has always been disgusted by everything to do with alcohol, and people drinking, and getting drunk. When we were kids and my dad would have too much to drink, she would behave in much the same way as she did with you this afternoon. She’d stand there and scream at him, try to shame him into not drinking. If you loved us, she’d shout, you wouldn’t do this.”
I raise my head and turn to look at her. “You didn’t feel the same way?”
“I tried to make everything better. I was never a shouter. I think I thought that if I behaved better, if I was better, maybe that would make him stop. And then when he didn’t, I’d be the one that ended up looking after him. No surprise, I guess, that every man I’ve ever dated has liked the booze, or drugs, a little too much, and I’m always the one that ends up looking after them.”
“Aidan’s so nice,” I say. “He seems to look after you too, although maybe in different ways.”
She smiles. “That’s why I love him. He does. Very occasionally I think our partying might be a bit much, but what the hell. We’re young, we’re supposed to be having fun, right? This is the time to party, before settling down, before kids, real responsibilities.”
“Exactly,” I say, thinking of Aidan and understanding exactly why she forgives his transgressions; thinking of Jason and wondering if he would forgive mine. And then I think that Julia would probably know if there were AA meetings on the island, and if so where I might find them, and I mix the words around in my head hoping to formulate a sentence that would come out without me wanting to die in shame, and I can’t figure out a way to do it, so I end up saying nothing at all.
“It’s nine o’clock,” says Julia. “At night,” she adds helpfully, seeing my confusion. “Ellie’s so furious she’s checked everyone into the Wauwinet, which is what she always does when we have fights, so I thought maybe you and I could go down to Aidan’s restaurant and grab some dinner.”
“Where’s your dad?”
“Tonight’s his night at the Chicken Box. He’ll doubtless get a ride home and roll in sometime in the early hours. We tend to stay out of his way on nights like these.”
“Will you give me a minute to get ready?” I say, really not wanting to go out, nor have dinner, food being the very last thing on my mind, but experience has told me the best way to go about getting rid of a hangover is painkillers and food in my stomach. And hair of the dog. But I’m definitely going to give that one a miss tonight. This is it. No drinking from now on. It’s just not worth the shame.
* * *
I don’t drink. Well, I don’t drink anything hard. Beer doesn’t count. It isn’t easy, but I sip my beer as everyone around me drinks vodka and tequila, as the night grows more raucous, and I am the one who ends up driving everyone home, which is something of a first.
The next morning, I wake up with no hangover, feeling bright, happy, and excited to see what the day brings. I am thrilled with myself for not drinking the hard stuff last night when everyone around me was; I’m determined to keep this up, to put my best foot forward, not to embarrass myself again with my family.
I can do this. I can absolutely do this. I can be the sister, the daughter, the friend they need me to be.
* * *
The days pass in a haze of sunshine, boats, walks, and great food thanks to Julia and Aidan, who seem to spend most of their time at home in the kitchen.
I manage to stay away from the booze. Mostly. A few drinks here and there but