I shook my head. “I’ll buy you Jack’s yard because it’s your dream, not because you’ll give me a baby in return.”
“But that’s the hope, right? We swap dreams? You buy me mine, I’ll give you yours?” Her eyes were piercing.
“No. That’s not how I see it. That’s not how I mean it.”
“But that’s how it is. You said a couple of years. That’s for what? Conception, pregnancy, birth… breastfeeding, I guess… then, what? It doesn’t work out? What’s your plan then? I leave the baby with you and Rick? Disappear? Or I end up stuck as a single mother? You swing by every weekend, maybe take it on holiday, buy it a new bike, whatever…”
“I really don’t have it planned out like that.”
“But you have everything planned out,” she said. “That’s who you are. You must know how the story goes, Carl. You must have known before you even met me. This is why they didn’t work out, right? The others? They didn’t want the baby thing, just the sex?”
“Amongst other things.” I stared at her. “They didn’t work out because they weren’t right.”
“But I am?”
“I hope so.” I smiled, but she didn’t smile back. “Katie, you turned up and you were everything we’d hoped for. More than we hoped for. More than I hoped for. Maybe with the others… maybe I was more…” I shrugged. “One track minded. Maybe it was less about them and more about the dream… maybe I wanted it beyond all other things. Maybe I wanted it so much it consumed me. Maybe that scared them.”
“And this time?”
Please believe me. “This time it’s about you. Us. This time it’s about your dreams, what you want, what will make you happy. I’ll buy you the yard because I can, because it’s what you want. Because I want a future, with you and Rick. Because you’re important.”
Her lip trembled. “But I don’t want a baby, Carl. I don’t think I can give you that. I’ve never wanted a baby.”
“I know,” I said, and smiled. “We saw. On your Facebook profile. Some stupid quiz, how many kids will you end up with? Katie Smith, none. Thank fuck for that, you said. I never ever want kids, you said. Horses over babies, always, you said. Rick showed me, printed it out.”
“And that’s how I feel.”
I swallowed, throat tight. “That could change…”
She shook her head. “I want a riding school, I want to ride, I want to event. I can’t do that with a baby. Unless… unless you’re talking ten years away… I just don’t know…”
But I wasn’t talking ten years away. I wasn’t talking about being a dad approaching retirement age while his kid is still in nappies.
It must have shown all over my face.
Her eyes were so big. “You really wanted this straight away, didn’t you? That’s what you wanted?” She sighed. “Oh God, you want it now. When were you going to tell me?”
“Six months,” I said honestly. “Rick and I agreed six months, until you knew us, until you stood a chance of knowing what you wanted.”
“I want what I always wanted,” she said. “A yard, a riding school, time with Samson…”
“And that’s it?”
“No,” she said. “I love being with you guys. I think about it sometimes, when I’m alone. How this could work, whether it could work. Whether I could be with two men. Properly, I mean.”
“And what was your conclusion?”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now. You want a baby. That’s what you want, Carl, don’t pretend it isn’t.”
“I want you and Rick,” I said. “I want you to be happy. I want us to be a family.”
“With a baby, Carl. With a baby. That’s what you need to make you happy.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
She leaned forward in her seat. “This is all too much. The yard… all this work stuff… my dad, Verity… you and Rick… a baby… it’s too much to think about.“
“I didn’t mean to force this on you right now,” I said. “I just wanted to buy you the yard, that’s all I wanted.”
“I couldn’t take the yard. Not unless I could give you what you wanted in return. Maybe not even then.”
“This has nothing to do with what I want. It has everything to do with how I feel about you.” I reached out a hand, but she flinched as it landed. “We both adore you, Katie. We think you’re incredible. Kind, and beautiful, and funny. Smart.”