“It’s just an offer. You want the yard, I can buy it. That’s all.”
She shook her head. “People don’t just go around buying hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of gifts to be happy, Carl. In the car, you said a couple of years, you said it was an option. That’s what you wanted from me, that’s what you implied. Is that still what you want? Because if that’s on the table, if that’s really what this is about… a few years in exchange for the yard… I mean, I dunno… if that’s what it meant… maybe I could…”
I closed my eyes. “Don’t do this, Katie. It was a simple offer. This isn’t the right time for this.”
“For what?” I heard her shift in her seat. “What isn’t this the right time for?”
Six months, Carl. Just give it time, man. Chill the fuck out.
Katie’s breath was loud. “I mean, if you want me to guarantee this… arrangement we have, for a couple of years… I could do that… I wouldn’t even mind…” I listened to her breathing, listened to her thinking. “But even at the current rate… two hundred grand… that’s like six years or something…” She sighed. “Anything could happen in six years. How do you know you’d even want that? Do you want that?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to pay you to be in a relationship with us for six years, Katie.”
She laughed, but it was nervous. “I know, I mean, that would be stupid. Six years, that’s crazy. That’s like… silly, right?”
I opened my eyes. Looked at her. “I want you to be in a relationship with us because you want to be in a relationship with us. I hope that lasts six years. I hope it lasts longer. I hope it lasts, Katie.”
She was quiet. So quiet.
“I want…” I fought for the right words. “I want us, all three of us… to work… I want.” I sighed.
“Just say it,” she said. “You always just say it, right? Why not now?”
Because of Rick.
Because you’ll run.
Because I don’t want you to run.
She shrugged. “How can I know what you’re offering if you won’t tell me? I can’t think straight if I don’t know what I’m thinking about! This is… it hurts my brain… I just can’t…”
“Just think about the yard,” I said. “Do you want it, or not?”
“But it’s not about the yard, is it? You want something from me. You’ve always wanted something from me.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “It’s not about what I want. It’s about your dream.”
“Tell me,” she insisted. “What’s your dream? What does happy mean? Just tell me, Carl!”
“A baby,” I said. “I want you to have my baby. That’s what happy means.” I sighed. “I dream about being a father.”
Her eyes widened. Like they always do. I kept talking. Like I always do.
“I’m forty in December, Katie. I’ll be a forty year old man in a gay relationship with no family in sight.” I sighed again. “I want what most people want. I want a home, I want a family, I want to watch a little person grow up, I want the school visits, and Christmas mornings, and family holidays. I want to watch kids TV until it drives me insane. I want to know the words to all the crappy cartoon songs.” I stared at the trees. “I want to be a dad. I want Rick to be a dad. That’s what I want. That’s my dream.”
“A baby in exchange for the yard? A couple of hundred grand for me to… breed for you?” I could hear the disgust in her voice, the undertone of horror, even though she tried to hide it.
I spun in my seat, met her eyes. “Christ, no! I’m not some fucking human trafficker trying to buy a fucking baby through Sugar Daddy Match Up. I’ve looked into surrogacy, we’ve looked into that. Actual surrogacy. We could do that. That isn’t this. This isn’t that.”
“So, what is this?”
“This is me saying I want a proper family. An actual family, for the long haul. I want to love someone who can love us, both of us. I want to pick out nursery wallpaper with the mother of my child, I want her to live with us, I want to hold her hand at the birth, I want to go to bed with her every night. I want to watch my baby grow up with her, with us.” I paused. “I want that someone to be you,