I was angry. I said the first thing that came into my head. I told him he was too late, that I’d had an abortion.”
My skin froze. “You told him you’d got rid of me?!”
She nodded. “Don’t think I did it lightly. It didn’t feel good, Kate. Not one bit did it. He looked so hurt, when I told him. But I was hurt, too.”
I blinked the tears away. “Is that what you were planning? To get rid of me? Did you want to get rid of me, Mum?”
She reached for my hand, squeezed it hard. “No, of course I didn’t. I wanted you so much, Katie. You were everything to me, from the very first moment I knew I was pregnant.” She smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I didn’t want to need him, not when I was pregnant, not when you were a baby. I thought I’d tell you when you got a bit older, but it never felt right. We were happy, sweetheart. Weren’t we happy?” Her tears fell. “We were happy. You were happy. We didn’t need anything from him. Not a single thing.”
I shook my head. “No, we didn’t need anything. I was happy. But Mum, he was my father. He was my dad.”
She nodded. “I know. I know, Katie. Believe me, I know.”
“I thought he didn’t care. I thought he didn’t want me!” I put my head in my hands, fought the urge to be sick.
“I’m sorry,” she said, like it was so simple.
I felt my lip tremble. “That’s it? You’re sorry? That’s all this comes down to?”
Her eyes were so blue, like mine, her freckles across her nose, just like mine. “You hated it there, right from day one. You hated their house, and you hated his kids. You hated going with him, I’d have to convince you every single weekend.”
“So?”
“So I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“How could it have made it worse?! How could knowing he didn’t hate me from birth make anything worse?!”
She calmed her breath, steadied herself. “I was afraid you’d hate me, too. Hate that I’d lied to you…”
“I’d never have hated you!”
She took a breath. “…Two parents who’d let you down, two parents you couldn’t believe in, two parents you didn’t want to be around. How good would that have been for a little girl who was already hurting?”
“But he was my dad,” I said again. “Maybe if I’d have known…”
“Maybe it would have been different? It wouldn’t have been different, Katie, you hated being there. You hated all of it.”
“But if I’d known, Mum… I’d have had a choice…”
She shook her head. “Verity was spiteful, so was her vile mother. You said you didn’t want a dad, didn’t want that dad. You said you were happier just us.”
“I was ten! I didn’t know what I wanted!”
“And I made a call. Maybe it wasn’t the right call, but it had already been so long, Katie.” Her voice broke. “I’d brought you up so differently to them. We had nothing much, they had everything. You were gracious and kind and polite. You appreciated everything we had, and they appreciated nothing. You didn’t want his money, you wanted nothing of theirs. I didn’t see anything he could offer that you wanted, that would make it worth the pain and the heartache, not back then.”
“A dad,” I said, and my voice broke, too. “I wanted a dad.”
“Not that dad,” she cried. “You didn’t want to be there with them! If I’d have told you the truth it wouldn’t have made any difference, not by then, Katie. It was too late!”
I had nothing to say, no words would come.
She let out a sob. “Don’t hate me, Katie. Please don’t hate me. I was just a kid. Younger than you are now.”
“I couldn’t hate you, Mum! Not ever! I’m just…”
“I know it’s late in your life to find this out. I know it is…”
“I just…” I shook my head. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what it would have meant. I don’t know if it would have changed anything… I mean, you’re right, there was Verity… and Olivia… and I didn’t even like the boys…”
“You weren’t like them… they’re so different to you…”
“But maybe if I’d known the truth, if I’d have been younger, if I’d have given him more of a chance…”
“You still wouldn’t have been like them,” she said. “Katie, you’re nothing like them!”